Everything back to Original

In my aim profile today, i put up.. 

Somehow, i feel like I'm not satisfy. It is as if my whole life had been a fail, nothing more than a complete fail... I need to strive higher, but many things had been stopping me. Lately, I've been thinking of changing myself to that old "weird" Kevin, where I would never social anymore with anyone, not to be used or played, not to be such a high attention freak. I had yet to realized that the only thing i wanted are knowledge and some important friends, nothing more and nothing less. Being such a "player" (if that's what you've been calling me "ray") is such a pain, it is so hard to deal with life. The best life for me would really be staying in that corner of mine, doing nothing except my daily routine: wake up, go to school, come back, finish homework, play games, and NEVER social. It is true.. somehow... Idk......... Really sorry for all of you that i offend by this.... ><

The truth is, nothing is really good these days. Focusing on social life is nothing but a fail. Too many friends cause too much trouble, and too much trouble bring my grades down. My social life is not progressing, and my education is going down. Nothing is better than back to original...


This somehow brings back memories of me 3 years ago. As a 8th grader, i barely care about my social life. My whole day is just going to school and playing games. These are the best when nothing is in your way to stop you from learning more. I think this way is more or less the best way for my student life. I think i should start not signing on aim or chatting with "normal" friends... It is getting useless talking about retarded things over and over again. It is getting sick, everyday i would find myself wasted 3 full hours, doing nothing but to talk about some random "ranting" about school. It would be much better for me to stay anonymous as a "genius" (the way my friends call me), than being such a social freak that everyone just bother you...

It is ashamed how i get back this thought... Nothing had been a real "good" for me. Yes, i do admit that girls come to me. Yes, i do admit that i get good grades. Yes, i do admit that my family is better than many family right now. Yes, i do admit that my life is better than most of what you guys "believed" to be living in. BUT that doesn't mean  I really am living to my expectation. Sometimes, I feel like disagreeing with those American born calling those "Immigrant" smarter than them and trying to steal their jobs, it is more like... Let's put it this way, we live on a much higher expectation... Life is nothing but a competition.. somehow, you strive for your goal and never stop until you reach it..... 

Right now, it is better for me to be anti-social for a little while. Cooling off the current emotional breakdown (is that even the right term) I'm having right now.. 

Vacation..

Finally... 12 days off...

Things have been busy lately.. No time to blog about anything.. Everyday I'm just doing my homework and homework, trying to finish everything...

Oh well.. it's break.. whatever....

Return?

Alright, finally I'm coming back to blogger. It's been months I haven't blog about anything, probably everyone that usually read this blog is not reading it anymore... Whatever, if they want to read it, then let them...

Life, School, Love, Family... four things in my life...

Life:
What can i say about life, life is okay for the past 2 months. I mean, there is up and down during the two months and i manage to keep myself alive. Talking about good things, there are events like I started to talk to many people. I started to talk to my friends more often these days, especially when it is only 1 month (!) from Christmas. I'm already looking forward to buy presents for my friends but I'm still debating over few items for them. The turn down in life is that I found myself more concentrated on school, which i will talk about it in a bit. Overall, life is not that bad, it is tolerable and I believe I would do better

School:
Talking about school, the first thing i have to say is that i drop out of Arcuri's class. Arcuri, she's one of the teachers that everyone hate. No offense to her, but her attitude and curriculum is just intolerable. I have yet seen anyone that really like her so far. I am so happy that i drop out of her class though, since now my life is so much easier in Ms. Weiner's class. The thing that's bad about school is math and some friends. Math... yes.. math..!! Calculus BC has been a pain in my school work. It is so difficult but challenging. My previous tests had been an 80-90 range, which I'm still not satisfy (Asian fail, you know ;-) ) Oh well, I'm going to aim for higher, because my tests were all composed of stupid mistakes due to the lack of "rechecking" my answers.

Love:
I shouldn't be talking about this, but these days "this topic" has strike me a lot. I found out many things, things i should know and things i shouldn't. I notice that some friends of mine actually liked me, but in fact, I do not like her back... This is getting really ridiculous, because I cannot just go up to them and reject them or anything, and I've been feeling this weird aura (or more like feeling) around me that something is going on in my life. It all doesn't matter anymore, for all i care is not those people. I care about my good friends, and her. For people that knows who's her, I'm sure you are one of my good friends. Sigh... I wonder what she usually thinks, I mean, i just couldn't get through her thoughts... I need to work on it !!. I keep saying to myself "Keep going Kevin, you can get her!!" Even though it is dim, I don't know, never know what might happen when i try.

Family:
Family is always something important to me, even when my brothers been saying about how i care about friends more. The truth is, i rather have my family with me than my friends. My friends, in the end (NO offense) (Sorry if this make anyone piss), is never more important than my family. My friends, no matter how "friendly" we get, can only be a supplement (did i say that word right?) to my family. What i mean is that my friends can help me on things that I think my friends would be needed, where cases that family cannot help. Anyways, family is really nice to me these days. I'm not being yelled at, at least not severe ones for a while. I'm trying to help out while maintaining my school work and social life. Even if it is the case where i sacrifice some of my study time to help out, I believe it is worth the time, because in end, I'm a part of the family.


Oh, I realized i typed so much tonight. Anyways, I will be blogging more often now, sharing my thoughts, maybe? Lol anyways, good night =].

Doubts..

I want to resume, to express what i've been through... yet the lack of motivation restrain me from writing in this blog. Sometimes, i want to write a blog, yet time restrains me. Now... I have free time, yet I feel insecure writing in it.

If anyone is still reading, i realized that this actually tells most of my secrets before... But then, i realized some secrets were not meant for some people in particular.... Ahh.. things are fustrating..


By the way, smack me to encourage me to write a blog...

Day to Resume...

I've decided to resume writing my blog... NOT TODAY day... maybe on thursday.. so remind me =]

Sorry that i couldn't write on my blog these 2 months (ARCURI's HELL) ... Oh well.. I will be updating everything soon

40th Day : My Beloved Dog...

Today.... our family decided to sent her away.

it was 5 minutes ago, i was crying like crazy. I really don't want her to die, she is a good family member to me.

I guess it might be some sort of release. She's been suffering, I don't know what to say. She's been breathing really heavy, and I see her dying. It is such a horrible scene, and I want to look away, but I couldn't. I want to be with her, but I still don't want her to suffer. Maybe doing this will be better, giving her relief. I still see some unwillingness in her, she tried to struggle when we tried to put her into the car to the vet, but she is too weak to do so. We know this is better for her, not to stay in the house until her last moment, but to have her rest earlier....

I can barely type this blog right now, my eyes are watery, and my vision is blur. I can barely read what I'm typing... I'm sensing this as my tears drop on my shorts, and i feel the tears going through my face. Every tear is like a memory of her, like what she did with me or how she looks like. I can barely describe my emotion..... I barely want to talk... I would rather be with my dog healthly than being with anyone at the moment, yet it is an unavoidable fact that my brother and mom are driving her to the vet to send her away... It is awful... I don't want to type anymore...

37th Day: Sad....

37th day.. barely posting now..

Sigh.... Today went to the vet with my dog, Chow.... She's 12... a Chow Chow. We all loved her, and we all believed that she's the prettiest Chow Chow in the world... Yet....... She's been popping water, refusing to eat, and resting every moment... We brought her to the doctor, examine her with blood test and x-ray. The doctor told us that she has kidney failure, and nothing would save her. At the moment, it stroke me hard, because I wouldn't want it to happen. The doctor proposed 2 options, bring her home, but she will suffer, or just put her to sleep.... I cried right there, for a several of minutes. Then i see Chow coming out from the client room, she's so old and sick, but I really don't want her to die... Yet, it's something unavoidable... I cried again, and this time, tears came down and dropped on the floor. Chow saw it, she came over to me. I tried to touch her again, because soon i would never touch her anymore...

I tried to help myself, but I just couldn't deny that fact that she's dying... I wanted to hug her, to love her, to save her, but I know i couldn't. She just stand in front of me, and i look at her face... She looked like as if she doesn't want me to feel sad, as if she knows what I'm thinking. In the end, we came up to a decision that we would bring her home, until something really bad happens. That i know is not a good choice, because she's suffering. She's all tired and sick, wouldn't move anymore...

Sometimes, I would just think back in times. I would remember how much love i have for her. She's always there when I'm down, and i would just stroll her fur and talk to her, because i know that she would just listen and wouldn't talk back like others. She's always pretty and cute, she would never bit anyone... When i recall my memory, i always feel like I want to cry, like right now when I'm typing this... Only time like this i would remember what she has done... Sigh...

When i heard this news, i realized how stupid it is... when the stuff with Mel. Mel is nothing to me, she can go... whatever.... But yeah.. I noticed that Chow, my dog, or I should say my family member, is way more important. She's always there, watching my house, waiting for me to come home, waiting for me to bring her food, etc... Now that i know I will soon not to be able to do that really hit me... I feel really depress, and yet stupid because i realized how un-mature i was, and how stupid i was for all these stupid problems and things with only a girl that I would not be with...

I don't know anymore, if you guys, whoever is reading this, want to visit her, IM me... I will arrange it... I know some of you really like my dog and stuff, but ... yeah... I don't know what to say.. I know it is true that putting her to sleep is a better choice, but my family and i are ... selfish in a way, because we don't really want her to die... She will still be in my heart as my family member....

33rd Day

Is it Day 33? ...

Well.. Whatever.. today was a lucky day without much homework.. pretty nice.. no time to blog anymore.. so i might close it soon..

31st Day : BBQ

OMG BBQ... BBQ !!

Had fun, making food and eating... Failing at Rockband, etc etc etc ..
Basically it was fun.. had a Marnier... ..... That thing is.... Oh well ..still had fun with my family and friends. talk about it later if i have time...

Studying for Arcuri at this little moment

30th Day : Saturaday Recap

I want to blog about many things today... and i skipped yesterday .. SOMEHOW ...

This year, i have this teacher named Arcuri, as you all know. She is like the worst teacher ever, we all hated her to death. Emily, you should know what I'm talking about.... Anyways, yea, she is such a Bitch to every student, wanting them to die or something. She just want us to suffer, and she laugh like a witch .... Well, we all know we hate her, whatever..

Hoftyzer !!! Mr. Hofty is like the best teacher on my schedule. He is funny and entertaining, making the "boring" (AS WHAT YOU ALL DESCRIBE) Chemistry really really interesting. Though his teaching style might be a little harsh than Ms. Mehlman, but if you pay attention, there is no way you can't get a 5 on the AP.

Other than that, let's talk about afterschool... clubs and etc..

1. CSI Club - For those who doesn't know, it stands for Crime Scene Investigation... nonetheless, It is a fun club, a really "educational" club. I helped the club out on the club fair, even though I wasn't even an official. That day, 5 people were there to help out, but only 2 people are working. I was sitting there, screaming and explaining csi to freshmen and sophmores. I had fun that day.. It was just amazing how the sign-up sheet ratio of girls to boys is 5 to 1, while the other 4 helper are actually female. We were like, Kevin (me) is the face of the club (haha). That day was fun talking to freshie and sophmores though.

2. Science Olympiad- Hm.... They don't consider me as an old member (sob). Well, this year MIGHT or MIGHT NOT be better. One thing is. Vicktor, Kam, Alvia (is that how u spell the name?) left the club. The few top ten of the last senior year graduated, we lost so many good people. The good thing is: this year, they are inviting Dr. Maxfield and Ms. Sirianni to teach Chemistry and Forensic. That is such a nice advance of the club, getting "GOOD" teachers to prep us (lol).

3. HANGOUT??? - Nobody is willing to ask me if i want to hangout or chill around ( >.< ). Even less than last year ... Sigh, whatever, back to work time ._.

28th Day : Mom's birthday

Hey, today is such a wonderful day. It is my mom's birthday. Lawl lawl lawl..

Yet.. Arcuri still gives us homework assignment, now back tooooo work..

P.S. I hate Clement more now, Raymond, Alan, Andrew Mah all know why...

OHhhh not to mention the club fair. I recruited many people, approximately 130-150... (breaking the rule of smiley) O_____O. Yeah.. that's a huge number... The ratio of girls to guys are 5 to 1 though, mostly thanks to me. I was sitting there, smiling at those... Sophmores and Freshmen ::cough:: and they come up to me. I think i did a great job entertaining those girls and make them sign up... So yeah, in the end, i realized I'm not that ... "ugly" LOL

27th Day : fake Day

This is a make up for yesterday Sept 16th...

Well, nothing mmuch to say besides homework..

26th Day : Electron Day

I almost got the urge to go help out in the volunteer in the Election booth or whatever, but in the end I didn't went...

Today, i survived Arcuri.. once again, it was horrible. I volunteer to answer questions, and soooo lucky that she didn't question me back. I was like "OMG OMG OMG."

Right now, doing homework, nothing to do much.

I realized this blog had died down so much.. My paragraphs were long back in the days, now it is like 2 sentences.... I wish it is as long as before, with the mood i have these days (happy, not the sad ones). Think about something to do people, so i can blog about it !!

25th Day : Cheated

People don't need to get why thats the title for today  ::cough:: time ::cough

Anyways, i was doing my homework, Arcuri's outline.... Whatever.. Nothing to blog about...

Bye people                       v Fake time...

24th Day: Procrastination!!

Alright, many people asked what I did yesterday, coming home at 1 AM !! Yes, 1 AM... ONE!!

Anyways, this is the story. I went to my God Brother's house yesterday. Me and my brothers went there about 6-7, ate dinner with a bunch of people that I don't really know. Most of these people are either my big brother's friend or my god brother, louis' and phillip's friend. The point of the dinner is that everyone bring a plate of food and we all eat and talk. I had fun talking to these new people that are (i think) over 18.

We ate our food and chatted for a while, then Louis decided to bring us to pool. We went to pool about 9 and arrived at 8th ave about 10PM. We played pool and ping pong for about 2 hours. This is probably the first time I had stayed outside this late without my parents or adults from my parent' level (as in aunts, uncle, or etc).

It is quite amaze that 8th ave is pretty cool (weather) and nice (no "bad" people) at night. We went home at about 1AM, and i stayed up until 3. That is basically what happened yesterday.

Today, I've just procrastinate and procrastinate until now. I know what to write for Arcuri's homework, but I'm just too lazy to put it down on the paper... Whatever... hope I will survive this year...

Oh, not to mention about Louise and Thomas. I IMed Louise today, and she told me what happened and etc. I was like, "sigh, like i would find someone that would like me." She replied me with "Yes, Hung, you would." Then I went "Maybe, if i put my Aim Status as 'looking for a gf.' Then probably." I actually had a bit fun thinking about doing the status thing...

Oh well, that shows that I'm completely recovered... Now, back to SCHOOL!!!

23rd Day: LAWL

I made that time up btw..

I went out until like 0:50 something.. w/e .. No time to blog.. Did a lot today...

I know what you all thinking, but i still have my viriginity xD

22nd Day : The Lazy Day

Only came on to blog continously... Nothing happened much today. Don't feel to well to blog.

Anyways, some major things did happened though. I pulled off a question from Arcuri, Thank God!!! She kept asking me and i managed to pull it off. Gods on my side for once, even I'm not a believer...

The other thing is, I don't plan to change schedule. Screw the Phys C for now...

That's basically it for today, bye bye..

21st Day : Hard Work Begins

4 Homework already.. FOUR !! NOT one...

Anyways... nothing to blog about except the fact that I'm still working on my homework...

I'm not dying yet... but I'm going to turn on my brain.. Then i question myself, "do i even have one??" The answer is half and half, but whatever, not the time to discuss right now.

Tomorrow will be, or might be a long blog, since it is going to be the WEEKEND... OMG.. been looking forward to get out of Arcuri's Hellhole so badly...  Anyways, back to WORK!!!

20th Day: First Day of School (Nightmare)

SHIT SHIT SHIT...

Worst schedule ever..... i wanted Phys C + Calc BC.. they only give me Calc BC.... I wanted Mehlman before but they gave me Hoftyzer (but he is still good), i dont want Arcuri as my AP US history teacher and I HAVE HER -_-.....

Today, in my prefect, i saw my schedule... I look around for 3 freaking times, there is no Phys C on it. I was about to flip.... I actually wanted that class with Dr. Blozy and Mr. Mil... Then i kept looking at it, i saw Ms. Arcuri. The first thing i said was "fuck." That shows how serious it was...

Overall, Hoftyzer (double period), cool and fun, going to have fun in his class. Ms. Tuckman, my English teacher, and everyone said good comments for her. Mr. Wise(double period), AP Calc BC, seems like a mean guy but he is really not. Ms. Vogel, my stupid Phys teacher, i never even heard about her... Mr. Vaged, gym, who cares... Ms. Arcuri, AP US history, this is doom... Ms. Ogle, chinese, really good...

The first day, i have homework already. Mr. Wise said you have 80 mins with me everyday, your homework will be at least that long. It was right, it toook me more than 2 hours just to finish that long sheet of review sheet. It was hard, combined with Algebra, Geometry, Trignometry, and Advanced Algebra. That thing got me frustrated so much...

Anyways, i already sense the doom, Arcuri's homework is coming. Hoftyzer's homework and weekly quiz is coming. Mr. Wise Calc BC homework started... How many 2 hours each day do i have to do these homeworks....

AHHHH .. Oh well. let's just deal with it..

19th Day : Recapping

19th day i started this blog.. Today i can really say I'm taking down my Without title...

Tomorrow is starting of school for most of us. This year is my Junior year, the most important year. I feel like saying this is my turning point and my new life, because I will have to work so hard this year to keep my 4.0 GPA up. Next Reason is because of what happened during the whole summer. It's been a real stress to me (or is it?), so school might be able to take me off this issue.

Even though i said "Tomorrow is a new life," i might have to say it MIGHT be a worse one. It is true that after tonight, I wouldn't even see Melody anymore. That is one big stress off my back. But then, I have to deal with Homework, APs, Sat, Sat II, school, and other important things.

School is a good way for me to devote myself into, because I feel more secure sometimes. Most of the time, you find me being surrounded by people from different grades, asking me to do this and that. Sometimes I feel good, even I know people gather around me to use me. It is somewhat like "Everyone need attention" thing, it just couldn't get away from me. I mean, you have "fake" friends coming everyday, asking for homework, school, connections, informations, and etc... That way I sometimes feel famous, yet a phony one...

BTW, Tech wasn't open today... Couldn't get the schedule...

Next up is my current status. Everyone asks me if I'm alright. I have to repeat myself few thousands of times, "I'm Alright" "I'm Alright" "I'm Alright."  The truth is, I'm half and half. Half being get over it, half being fustrated. Why? I get over it because what is done is done, so mind as well not think about it... I get fustrated is because I dont see what is better in "Him." Not trying to say shit, but he has nothing... really. The truth is, i realized that people in love cannot see the person's false ... (even though there is nothing good in him). Whatever, oh well, don't need to overthink about this.

Besides my half and half, i realized that this is something that actually is good to me. I might be crazy talking about this, when like all these "BAD" things happened to me. But look, it motivates me... I might devote my Junior Year and make something good out of it.

Yeah, that's it for today, hope you enjoy... Tomorrow will be 20th day : first day of school.

新生活，新開始。
New Life, New Start.

18th Day

Hey, I'm actually typing this when I'm on the phone with Ariel.

Nothing much happened today, just noticed that Ariel didn't die. (wanting to make the smilie, but i stopped myself) Anyways, yea, Oblivion Elder Scroll IV is done !! It is still so good for a game that came out for 3-4 years... Next up is Lost Planet, 1/3 done with the download. It is so exciting to watch the trailer.. hope it is good...

>.< That's pretty much everything for today... Oh.. forgot to read my book, .. *BEEP*

17th Day (Ex)

Oh .. by the way... I planned to take out the Without Melody thing.. yeah.. screw that thing...

Anyways, yeah... Why is the title Ex? Because it has to deal with my Ex, Joanne...

Something weird happened.. Today at 3 AM... meaning.. approximately 21 hours before. She told me that a guy is bothering her. She told me that she wouldn't go for this guy because she treat her as a best friend, but the most important thing is she "STILL" like a guy... The "still" kinda freaks me out somehow...

Lets talk about my past weeks... 2 weeks ago i started to talk to her again. She realized that I didn't "flirt" with other women, and she told me that she was really sorry for not talking to me. It's been 1/2 year she didn't talk to me, I somehow got used to it.

Oh... talking about my Ex, I didn't even describe her. Joanne, almost 16?, somewhat smart, regular Asian girl height, and... a little chubby... Let's say... Anyways, i met her last year, during our classes together. We decided to get together after my God Brother, the white one, decided to hook us up. We got together pretty well until Christmas, technically 1 week before Christmas.

She called me that night saying we can't continue, mostly because of her family. What i interpret is that it is not her family, but my problem. She kept thinking I had other girls other than her... Yeah, I'm the kind of men that everyone talks to... (maybe), and girls mostly love to come to me for homework and helps. Whatever, let's get to the point. She broke up with me... 1/2 year later, now, she started to talk to me...

And today, 21 hours ago, she told me she "still" likes a guy. I'm kinda scared that it might be me... But yeah, she is nice, but I just don't really want another relationship right now. She kept hinting something to me, as if she wants me to know something... I always act dumb... Which is what i always do, to avoid problems.... 

Yeah, whatever comes, I will just deal with it. Let's just hope it is not what i think it is..

17th Day without Melody

Wah.. Just realized it is 17th day after that day o.o... Anyways. My new policy (or try to be one), is no more smilies. (But i just made one...)

What happened today. Hmm... Today is my twin cousins' birthday. Went to celebrate, had a bit fun talking to my cousins. The thing is, the whole time I'm talking, my mind is not there. It is just thinking about old memories. My uncle's place is the house that my brother called Mel the "Rite Aid Girl," the place where she actually live so close to (about 4 blocks away). It seems to be different now, by that, i meant the feelings.

Talking about old memories... Back in the times when it was July, I visited my uncle's place about 2-3 times. All the time, my mind wasn't there. My mind is just out of place, about 4-5 blocks away, where Mel actually lives.. I used to know what she is thinking about, used to know what ever she wanted. Now, i feel distanced to her. It is so close, yet so far apart... We don't have the usual connection anymore, not even a feeling of a friend...

Yeah, whatever... This is what happened today... My cousin's birthday... Again, happy birthday Edmond and Kentrick.... have fun being a child... for now ..

16th Day without Melody (Drama)

Today was watching this drama.... and it comes to this scene where a guy and a girl are talking...

So the girl went.. "yea... Whenever you give someone love, it's so hard to take it back..." Somehow, i agree with her. When you give or contribute to the person you love, it is always hard to forget... You would never want to take back the love you gave and pretend you had never love this person... 

Then the girl went "Sigh... Love is always the worst field for woman." I was like........ Okay..... I think love is always the worst field for everyone who hide themselves. I mean... If i wouldn't just hide myself, what would it be now. No one knows.. but I rather think the best instead of the worst. If things can be undone, everyone might be better, but what happened is the fact, so I should just deal with it.

At last the guy asked "Your best field is also your worst field, for you help your friends before you. But then... Are you happy with that?" That question kept going around and around my head. I'm like... Yeah.. maybe I shouldn't be caring about others, I should just worry about myself first. If i wouldn't care about my friend's problem and dealt with my own love problem at first, wouldn't it be much better? Now i think i should be more selfish and screw you all over... Justttt Kidding =P.

15th Day without Melody

Nothing to post about today... Melody just reminded me to blog because she was like.. I'm blogging O_O...

Anyways.. yea.. while i had this NEW POST up, my brother was here... chatting on aim.. I couldn't even close the tab.. Oh well O.o he saw everything.... O_O I'm fine for a long time anyways...

Today was nothing much.... Just trying to mow the lawn, failed but whatever...

AHH >< NOTHING TO BLOG ABOUT !!... I guess that's it for today..

14th Day without Melody

O.o.. Unbelievable day....

Yea.. Jogged today. Ceasar's Bay to Verr Bridge.. That is still too long for me, i die within 1/6 of the jog, since it is a round trip... That is 1 miles of running non-stop... Whatever...

After the jog, we went back to the club. Then i decided to go Aaron's house to wash my hair because it is way too.. sweaty. I went to his house, i was shocked to see so many yu-gi-oh cards =P. It was like piling up, but yea.. I would have more if I'm actually into yu-gi-oh.

I took a quick wash on my hair, it was salty because my hair sweat like crazy. The whole thing, going to Aaron's house and coming back was fun though. We talked for like 2 hours, talked about life, girls, and etc. It was just fun to know more about my God-Bro.

Then we went back to the club house, played a little Truth or Dare game with Shelly, Daisy, Bo Bo, Wy Ming, and Aaron. It was boring... It is mainly because nobody is good enough to know what to truth or dare about.

Next thing you know, we went to 86th Wong again. We got some food to eat and chat a bit. Then we went back to the club house and watch Andrew and Aaron playing yu-gi-oh.

After everyone is back, we decided to play Truth or Dare.... This time, only 4 people are playing, it was me, Aaron, Andrew, and Calvin. We increased the difficulty of the game so much. We added this omit system. Every 2 omits you do, u have to stripe your clothing. First is your shirt, then your shoes, then finally your pants. We set the rules to Limitless, as in no limit to daring and questioning. The thing is... We got so insane with the questions that many people omit, but nobody reached 5, so nobody had their pants down. We did many crazy.. crazy... yes crazy.... things, but according to the rules, i cannot post here because this is a public blog. We had fun though. By fun, i mean FUN FUN FUN, the best day ever...

Today i learned a lots of stuff from T/D. Things that guys don't usually say, things that we don't usually do. LOL... whatever..

Oh, not to mention i forgot the backyard. I will be cleaning it tomorrow, i guess.. If it wasn't that sunny.

Then also another problem is that i cannot find the ebook for... my summer book. I only found one, but i need two... Oh well, might go sheepshead just to get the book....

That's probably it for today.. for the 2nd week.... Don't know if i can keep up the blog anymore... Because there might not be anything to write...

13th Day without Melody

O_O important thing... I think my brother already found out about this... I thank Ariel =] because I blame everything on her...

Anyways, who cares... Not like I'm going to die. I'm bored once again. Went to volunteer today, got the hardest work, yet it was boring and tiring. Giving out flyers aren't a pretty good job to do, you have to run up and down the stairs and slip flyers throught doors and mailboxes... In the end, you achieve nothing but bunch of volunteer hours.

After the work, a group of people decided to walk to 8th ave... ALLL the way from 7th ave and 10th street to 8th ave and 48th street... It took us pretty long to walk there, especially when we have to pass the cemetary and other things.

After today, I am officially broke, only approximately 100 left in my pocket. Why? Because I don't want to spend it... I want to use it as emergency or back to school money. I guess i have to start my school businesses again... Yeah, gather informations, do homework, or change grades... I might be offering all of these to students...

I just realized I'm kind of screwed... I need to read 2 books, yet I didn't even start reading one. I picked my fiction as "The Time Machine," it seems pretty easy and it seems pretty interesting. It is not that i distaste reading, but I just don't feel like reading those books that I don't like to read. I rather read adventure or science fiction, rather than historical books...

Oh. Now talk about my brothers. I don't know. It seems like that he knows everything, he said 3 words will own me, and my friend suggested it is this title. I'm fine that they know it, but again, i already get over with it and I just want my Physic C to be on my schedule. My goal now is just get junior year done with a 4.0 GPA and don't mess up on my SAT, SAT II, and my AP exams.

當一件事情不是想象中那麽好的時候，其它的應該會是好的。
When one thing is not going so well as you thought, other things should be good to balance it out.

12th Day without Melody

Today is the 12th day. I don't know... Time seems to be passing so fast, what i mean is that they are proceeding so fast. Even if they do, it seems like I give less a crap about them anymore. I have my own life, and let them have theirs.

Today, i went jogging with Calvin, Andrew, and Adam. Somehow, due to the fact that I haven't run for years, now i can barely run 2 miles without resting. It was fun though. We ran all the way from Ceasars Bay to Verrazano Bridge then back to the Bay. That took us about 45 minutes or so. I was like "dead" when i reach the bay, because we've ran for so long... that my legs were numb.

Going back to the democratic club naked, i mean without my shirt... Everyone went "Woo," and i give them the face of -_-. They asked if I ran with the group, but it is just obivious that i did. Whatever, i answered them, and changed into my regular clothing.

Then we did round 7/8 Truth or Dare. Today might be the worst T/D game i had... Nothing important, stupid shit...

After we work, we went to have our lunch break. Me, Adam, Johnathan, Redmond, and Andrew went to the 86th Street Wong again. We order rice and congee... Had a bit fun talking about Inglorious Bastards and life there.

After the lunch break, we went back to the club. Did nothing at first, because everyone is bored and tired. We played a bit of Chinese Poker, then we rested for another 15 minutes. Out of a sudden, Andrew went acting all homo on Johnathan and Redmond. We had fun trying to "rape" each other, because Jessica was recording what we did. Well we had a great laugh from all those actions that Andrew did. Sorry to say it to everyone Andrew =P


At 4:30, i just tell Aaron to swipe me in and i went home.. Got home at like 5:30... Change.. then somehow fall asleep... until 7... Then i finish dinnner.. And that's about it for now..

11th Day without Melody

Today was pretty damn fun.. Kinda .. not really...

Me and my volunteer friends went to Flushing today, and we met with John Liu in person . It was alright. Some funny things that happened there was John Liu actually said "i use Comptroller as a stepping stone." or Clement bullshitting with his "I plan everything ahead."

Lmao... Why am I saying he is bullshitting? Well, first of all, he never plan everything, the only thing he planned was to ask Melody out, which is probably the only thing he did great at. Other than that, he fails at life... I only admire (i shouldn't even say admire) him being able to get Melody. He fails at school and he fails at socialing. Reason is that he would value Melody over his school and education at the moment, which he is only getting an 80 without Melody, so what "CAN" he possibly get.

Why i say he fails at socialing? The reason is his profile... It clearly shows that he doesn't give a shit about anything but the "queen" - thus referring as Melody. That's why i realized the reason everybody hates him. He is a jerk =] for that, and i agree with my friends.

Ohh, let's go back to the plan everything ahead thing. He NEVER plan anything, he fails at life. I was laughing like nuts when he said that. Then Bo Rong (Bo Bo) and Andrew whispered to me, saying "Oh, what a liar." I replied to them "Just an attention whore xD, don't need to give a shit."
The whole John Liu thing went from boring to funny because of that.

The other thing is that... me, Adam, Joey, Andrew, and Bo Bo were checking out girls. We thought there would be like "hot" / "cute" girls in the QUEENS Youth Action Team. Turns out that there is barely any.. OKAY looking one... We did fine 1 or 2 so so looking girls, but overall every girl is just bad. Me and Joey had this so called "radar" thing going on. He told me that "His Connection lost," which meant that he can't even sense anything. I laughed and replied him "No information being bounced back," for no hot girls in sight xD. It was an inside joke we had.

Then taking the train back to Sheepshead... It was fun. We played Truth or Dare, with double truth and double dare. Things we said were not suppose to go out the group, so i might as well not expose any secrets or dares that we did. =]

Then we arrived UA, and went to watch Inglorious Bastards. It was the random-est movie i had ever watched. It was an action comedy : funny yet sometimes boring. I rated it 2.5/5... because it is not my taste in movies.

Overall, today was fun. Spenting time talking random shit to my 2 god bros : Aaron and Andrew is like awesome. I had fun talking about random shit, but yeah. We enjoyed ourselves instead of working today.

有時唔開心的事也可以變為開心的。
Sometimes depressing things can be forced into happy ones

10th Day without Melody

Ahh o.o Seems like I have nothing to write about today xDD

I slept the whole day.. basically that is it...

Now my blog might be short and simple, since everything is over... or is it?


I don't know, but I think i did important things today, not saying what it is.. but yeah.. it's all good...

OH... Not to mention Andrew and Aaron, proud to be their bro =]. Hope i will still know them when i grow up =D.

That's basically everything for today..

9th Day without Melody

Today is the 9th day, It seems to be a good number... I always know that 9 is a good number.... For sometimes... Oh.. Don't forget 7....

Hmm.. Nothing much today. I recovered... as you all know. I slept until 11 this morning, waking up with my Home Attendant yelling and yapping. I shut her up with some shit... I forgot... But yeah, she was pretty annoying some of the time...

What is good today? Well this midnight, I talked to Melody, for the first time, I actually felt the "cool buddy" thing is still there. We talked because she was in somewhat stress. I consoled her a little, and talk about life. Things went pretty well, not like the past week...

This morning when she got on, I managed to actually talk to her now. I don't fear what might happen, all I know is that I can talk to her in a friend way. I actually am not so jealous right now, except for the fact that I need to be alert if something wrong will happen... as I was saying yesterday.

That's basically what happened today, I hope days will be the same... after today, as usual with the "cool buddy."

Concluding today, I think i got better with my relation problem, by relation i mean.. talking and connection. I hope things will go well, but yet i hope i will not close this blog that quick, even I got over things, because this blog reminds me... teach me... and also.. tell me that I have friends that care... and TWO new god bros =]

有時愛情不是所有，有情都是那麽寶貴的。
Sometimes love is not all, friendship can be also that great and important.

8th Day without Melody

Hm... I don't know what to say again, but I'm sick of them two =P. Yes i mean it, Lol.

Let's talk about life first of all. Today i volunteered again. Basically, we did nothing but playing cards and mafia. Again, i became the dealer of a texas holdem game for 5 freaking hours. I got so sick of cards that I was dizzy when i see them. The whole 5 hours, i was just dealing and dealing and dealing, shuffling and shuffling...

Life... I don't know. I obtained my regular life now, just that a life without Clement and Melody in it. I barely talked to them anymore, get so sick and tired of them. Now i can't even bare with it, I probably won't go back for her even if they break up. Oh wells =P, it is life, we will see...

I mean, it is not that my feelings had changed for her, but my views had changed a lot. First of all, i never thought she would've been a girl like this. She and Clement got so intimate after really being together for 4 days, since she's been out for 4 other days.

What can i say... I don't expect any girl would climb onto another guy and sleep like that in 4 days. The position they are in.... Imagine a piggy back ride in the opposite side, or the "sex" position. Clement is sitting down with his legs closed, while Mel just climbed onto him and lied on him. Then Clement just grab her by his waist and push her against his chest. I can't even imagine how they can sleep like this.

Another thing is, I had never see a couple going that far in 4 days. Ignore the hold hands, ignore the hugs... Do you even think a girl would let a guy to just touch her by her butt and stroll around it? I can't imagine that at all. I wouldn't even imagine Clement would put his arm around the "chest" area in just a few days.

Oh wells XD, that has nothing to do with me now. I told myself to bring out my positive and funny side. I did my job =P, somehow i joked about it, laughed about it. I just pretend I never really met her like i used to, like were really never "friends." Her image in me would stay the same as the moment that i like her, but her real person would never been the same.

I actually learn something, be positive is the way to go. I mean, being positive, now I don't even care. I mean, not in a bitch way, but I do suffer, i do get hurt. Yet the damage she dealt to me is minimized to the lowest, for i had pretend i see nothing, know nothing, which might be better than realizing everything... Sounds weird but ok.. =P

 Aside from that, I was glad that I didn't get into this relationship. Not because of what she is now, but because I know for sure I don't last long with girls. When i put on my aim profile "The person you loved should be your best friend," I already know what I could do. I know that i don't last long with girls, so I don't like going for them. I wonder if i did, I might've hurt myself even more... For the love i have for her.

Ohh... Also, Jenna reminded me this story, "What I did for Love." The link I recommend to read this story is http://universalbuddy.tripod.com/story.htm . This story made me tear before, for many reasons. Now i rethink about it. I couldn't be the same person as Nima, to give the love he can to Ji Won. I can give Mel the same quality, but not quantity. I bet i would never do so many things, even if i think she never liked me before...

Edit: Yeah, but i still think that she isn't like that. I never would believe she is such a "slut" in a way she would go climb on Clement in 4 days. Well Andrew suggested that she might be pressured, and i would rather believe that, leaving a good image in me... If what Andrew said was true, then I should really pick my swift blade up now... I might need it later....

她已經不是我以前認識的人了。
She's already not the person i used to know.

7th Day without Melody

Lawl lawl lawl -_- It's 7 days after the thing passed o.o I guess I'm done with all my emo-ness.....

Well. Many things happened today, although there are things i don't want, but there are also things i want. Today, I will blog in a different way, indicating my life changed. Even though that might sound weird, but yea, life changed... LOL

I will list all the things I went through today from worst to best:

1.  I realized that i give up long ago.
It is not that I wanted to give up, but yeah. They seem to be really together right now, so i might as well just leave the two alone. Let's say... I opened my mind, I adopted this "see no evil" thing. I pretend i see nothing, ignoring everything that is happening. I see them like hugging each other, holding hands, holding her by the waist... but I only feel jealousy, not hate. Probably because I thought it is alright now. I even joke about it, so I guess I'm alright...

2. The deal is done
Adam, my deal with you is completed. Even tho Stella and Wendy didn't talk. I had enough fun with like almost everyone talking to me. Thank so man, love you so much =]. I will bring back my positive person and the funny person out. I learn to forgive already, learn to let go but not let my feelings go. I would work on it, but I think being happy is my main goal from now on.

3. Events is good...
Well today, i volunteered for more than... 12 hours. I went to the morning shift, ate lunch, chill in the afternoon shift, and went to this evening event. The whole time i was just laughing and laughing... Had lots of fun, thank you guys...

4. I realized Truth or Dare (replace with DOUBLE TRUTH) is fun to play..
This game requires talking the truth, yes.. the truth. Well telling the truth actually makes you brave... sometimes.. and sometimes it give you strength. Or sometimes it makes you laugh... Really fun playing T/dT...

5. I have friends =]
Thank you Ariel, thank you Jessica, thank you Joey, thank you Angela, thank you Raymond, thank you Emily, thank you Ibrahim, thank you Richard gahh.. so many people to thank.. Yea thank you everyone for making me happy after all these things happened to me =P.

6. Ohh don't forget my God brothers, and my soon going to be god bros
My old God brothers: Andrew, Anthony, Adam, Raymond thank you so much =]
Considering: Andrew Mah and Aaron
I mean... Yeah.. my old god brothers are cool, taught me everything i need to take care of myself.
Andrew and Aaron, what can i say. Andrew, a cool kid, taught me to be brave, never to regret... Fun person to be friends with, and hope we will be friends when we grow up. Aaron, lol. Thanks for listening to my bull crap all the time, and you would still come to me and listen. Really friendly, really nice, and everyone say i look like him. This kid taught me to forgive, to let go, and to have fun. Thank you so much for lifting me out of this, seriously. Both of you are like my best friends in volunteer besides my Semi.

你最幸福的時候不是有人愛上你，而是有幾個關心你的人。
The best part of life is not to have someone to love you, but to have a few people that actually care about you

6th Day without Melody (night)

IDK what to say .. many stuff to say.. many things to bitch about...

I feel like I'm on the cliff right now.. about to fall.. but friends are trying to save me. At the same time, people are holding like swords and knives on me, trying to kill me. This is what i felt like right now... It is like I'm about to die -_- , one way I'm forced to leave.. one way my friends are telling me to come back and wait... Wait until they break up so I would go in. I kind of think that is stupid, because I'm like somewhat suffering from this whole mess, while people telling me to come back is just ..... Yeah... And i have 4 AP class next year... If I can't make it by the end of August... I don't even think i would have time everyday.... and I probably will only have time on the weekend... and 1 day every 2 weekends.... Those are like.. somewhat the reasons I'm kind of not wanting to go back right now...

Today... it hurts... She asked me to be friends again, yet she didn't even talk to me afterward. I feel like shit for being such "friend." Then again, their relationship just kill me. I'm half jealous and half mad that Clement hugged Mel in front of me and give me this stare, as if i would never get her... I know i wouldn't, but i mean... "Don't give me this stare." Just like Ibby said, "i think there [they're] still to young to understand how it makes u feel when u see them together." 


That's basically what i have to bleh about today..

 有時愛一個人真係身不由已...
 Sometimes, liking somebody is really.. weird... You do everything without your mind...…Nothing is in your control...

6th Day without Melody (midnight)

Hmm just a continue from day -_- 5... yea....

I had a dinner in New Jersey.. hoping to get some sense in myself..... I went to this Jose Tejas place... Mexican + Cujan food... really good.. i really commend it to anyone..
Address of this place would be..:

                        700 US Hwy 1 N
                         Iselin, NJ 08830

                        (732) 283-3883

Yea have fun...


Now back to the topic -_-

I went there with a family friend of mine... We talked about girls, because my second brother is now being bothered with many girls... Even I should be the spotlight everyone should be talking about, but I didn't tell them anything...because I don't want them to be worry about my problems..


Then we talked about young girls... about this girl named, Susan. This girl was hitting on my 2nd brother, she is also the same age as Mel. My family friend met this girl once, saying that girl has a big attitude. But that's not all to it, he also say that girl likes looking guys more than money. I asked why, he told me.. "at this age, girls look for look > money... But when they grew older, they would know money is such an important thing." I rethink about that.... realized that... "sigh... I know I'm ugly, no wonder i fail." Then i just went silent most of the time in the dinner... 


Sometimes i wish girls are more into characteristic... but realistically.. they go for hot/cute girls when they are young.. When they grew more mature, they would notice that material wise would also be important.. That i meant by money and house. What is good for a couple without a decent house, with a decent family... But yea.. I hope that Mel hasn't chosen the wrong person... For I think Clement would not be able to support her... during these crisis... I mean, if she likes another guy that could support her, i would shut my mouth right now.. seriously... 
Ohh and i meant in the future -_- for those who bitched at me -_-



That's what i really want to say..

5th Day without Melody

Hm.. Today is the 5th day without Her.. What is there to say... Well today might be the last day without her, because she is returning from a trip. But that doesn't mean this blog is done, because tomorrow will be the 1st day to see her with Clement. Oh gosh ._. .... Anyways... i will still, name it the 6th day for tomorrow...  As for today, i will try to make it really short...

I don't know what happened, my life started to get dull. It is not the dull you get from missing her. But it feels like I'm getting lonely... I started to sleep more than twelves hours a day, adopting Mel's sleeping habit... I started to eat icecream when I'm depressed, which is another thing that she does... I don't know if this is right, but i feel really lonely. I mean, nothing to do, nothing to eat.  It happened last time too i think, when i broke up with my last ex... She was really pessimitic and depressed, and I'm really.. optimistic and happy. After that, our characteristic completely changed.... I get bored easy, feel sick of life, and etc...

I don't have much stuff to talk about today, as I'm sleeping half of the time... Oh, let's talk about tomorrow's event... or death event...

Well, I was sorry that I made her mad last Friday, so i ask my friend, Jessica, to contact her and make a meeting for us. Tomorrow, before the volunteer, i would meet her half an hour before and talk to her. I have a lot to ask, but i still need to apologize, as i made her mad even though it is my fault. I really wanted to ask what happened between us, why Clement but not me, Why we talked so little after my dad came back, and many other questions.. I know it might be a bad thing to do, but I know that if I don't figure all the things out, I will not be able to pick myself up and move myself on. In the end, i will try to make the conversation fun, but i fear I wouldn't be able to...

Yea.. That's about it for today... I might go outside and have dinner in a bit, so I will talk to you people at like 9PM?

如果你給我多一次的機會，我一定會好好地珍識。
If I'm given a second chance, I definitely will appreicate and cherish it.

4th Day without Melody

... It's been the 4th day, i just realized... Time has been passing so slow, isn't it? ...
It felt like as if 3 years had passed and my pain still didnt disappear ><...

Today, really ... learn a little, but yet so much so blog.... But then i think about..."If i blog about what i just realized today, i wouldn't be able to blog as much tomorrow." Then i realized I'm so stupid because i should blog whenever i have the feelings to... and as much as i remember before i forget... Let's hope today be a long one...

Yesterday... I was seriously.. dull... but yea... still have to face life... Somehow.. i remember her words, "Icecream makes me happy." That sentence really got into me, i deicded to try my icecream.... For the first time, instead of eating it, I'm actually thinking about enjoying it. When i ate my icecream, really... I kind of had  a flashback.. about the times that i enjoyed myself with her. The time that i bought icecream for her, the time i would go in when shes sad, the time that i would act depress and she would come to me. Everything was so sweet and so nice, as if none of my mistakes were made... I think i really were smiling when i ate it...

Yet... When i finish my icecream... my smile really turned into a frown. I thougth of the times i argued with her, the times i hinted instead of telling her clearly, the times that I see her with Clement...  A rush of sadness just come to me, as if it is forcing me to cry. I hold my tears... going back to my room, sitting at my bed, and looking up the ceiling. I thought "Sigh, I want to get out of this problem... yet I couldn't make it." I really just want icecream forever now.... to dream about the time i had fun, just like the fantasy story of The Little Match Girl.


These days, many people been telling me things and rumors about Clement, saying he is bad and all that. Saying things like I don't deserve to lose to him and many others. Somehow, i feel even more sad when i hear those words... For love can change Clement from a "jerk" or "whore" (what my friend describes him), to someone so nice and lovable toward Mel. I feel like Clement is the one really be able to give Mel the thing she needed...

I always think that ... Before i have my girlfriend, i need to know i have the financial support, this for being a good education so i can get a future job. I also need a good eloquence skill, to entertain her and make her have fun, instead of being so silent and moody. Lastly, i also need to know how to give her my full love, to put her in front, to care about her, and to know what she needs.

After the accident, my mind changed... There is no need for money, entertainment, or even love. If Mel likes Clement, i would let her, really...  Those three elements are not required... If two loves each other, money are not required, it would just be better if there is extra. Entertainment, that's even less of a necessary, two can be dull but just that they need to love each other is enough. Lastly, i said love isn't required... Why? It is because when you truly love someone, you wouldn't care about IF HE/SHE LOVES YOU BACK. That is not even in the story when you love someone. Just like me, i really do love Mel (Let's say like, because i don't feel honored to call it love). Even if she doesn't like me, i would really let her. Because what she loves would give her happiness, which i would be happy if she found her love...

Now put that issue aside... I don't know what to say when i see her on Wednesday, or talk to her on Tuesday night. I got her mad, because of my sudden rage... I even cursed at her... telling her to shut up.. I really feel like a "dick" right now... My friend, told me that she did the same thing when my God Bro pick some other girl over her. She said it is alright because I didn't meant it...  Now i fully understand how she felt... How she doesn't really want it, but had to adopt it... There is something i can't say because of people that are reading this blog... But yeah.. i understand you... really... I hope me and you will get out of the mess as soon as possible tho...

Hmm.. What else to say.. Oh... Yea... Crying sure is one way out.. But cannot cry is the way to realized that you really miss someone. I tried crying to release stress, yet i couldn't cry. Even if i do cry, i know for a fact that i would just miss her even more.

Other things also make me cry... Today, i went back to my Chat log... I realized that i deleted the log before .. July 28th... Which is where i had more fun... with her... than after... I think that she decided that I wouldn't be a better boyfriend to her about Aug 10th... Where she completely ignored me... Before that, we talked together.. and i saw that on Aug 3rd or so, she would even call me and talk to me on the phone... She would even let me joke about liking her and etc. Sometimes i wonder if my dad wasn't here... wouldn't bring me to all these places, Clement might not have the space to come in and talk with her. Also i wonder if Ray wouldn't leave volunteer, Raymond would also make me talk to Mel....  Those stuff really do get my emotion...

Talking about crying, I realized that i do fear... There are many things i fear and I really do fear Clement sometimes. I fear that he will take over my place as her "cool buddy", which i think he already did. I fear that if i do get Mel before, Clement would come and beat me up, that is another reason why i stopped myself from acting before... I also fear that someday his psychological words would just brain wash Mel, making her couldn't decide who is the better for her, but i assume there is no need for that... Or did he already accomplish his goal.. with psychology...

Now, beside fear... My friends been telling me to hope.. I don't know if i should hope or not. They told me to "hope for the best." Saying that Mel might realized one day that I would be better and come to me. Saying that Mel might considered Clement because i didn't went for her (which i think is true), but now since i confessed, she might leave him and come to me (which i think is impossible). I know Mel, she is not the type of person that would leave someone... in sadness... I also wouldn't want her to see this blog.. unless one of you just spread it... For sure, i know she would be really depressed when she see this blog... Now all i can do is hope...

That's basically what i realized today..... Well i think i don't have anything more than that to think of tomorrow... Since tomorrow is also my last blog before she comes back.. When she comes back on Wednesday, i will see what would happen.... Would I still go for her? Would i still be friends with her? Would Clement be her boyfriend still? Anything might happen.. Like my God Bro said.. "let's hope for the best..." That really sound desperate... but yea... nothing to do but to feel desperate..

我希望妳可以用我為你所做的一切原諒我。
I wish you can use whatever i did for you to forgive me...

3rd Day without Melody

Its August 23th, third day after i did my mistake..... Also the 2nd day of her trip... Since then, I've never talked to her. Somehow, it felt like... as if 10 days had passed, and I miss her more than most of the people I missed in my life...

Sigh, i wonder if what my friends said was true. Everyone just kept telling me that Mel isn't smart enough to see I'm better than Clement, saying that she doesn't have the eyes to pick the right guy... I was 1/3 sad, 1/3 mad, and 1/3 relief when my friends say that. Why? Because I'm sad that I wouldn't be able to be the person next to her. I'm mad because what my friends said is basically telling me that i picked the wrong person to like.... But yet, I'm somewhat relief because I still have friends that care about me and talk to me...

Today, i woke up as my usual time 4-5 months ago, 11 AM... I woke up, hugging my pillow, wanting to go back to sleep... I felt like I haven't slept yesterday, yet I couldn't go back to sleep... I sat on my computer chair, opened my laptop, then i sat there with a long long silent. I was just thinking and thinking about what me and my friends IM yesterday... How they were helping me to comfort me, telling me everything is alright... To be honest, I'm still feeling somewhat dull, it seems like life is somewhat pointless again like 6 months ago.

I signed on aim, then i told another of my good friend, William, about my "experience"... I forgot what he told me, but it was like something about me, something about I didn't hint enough to her about the fact that i had feelings to her. Right when he said that, i told him "FINALLY.... someone said something ._. , saying that i didn't hint enough." Perhaps I really didn't hint her clearly... Perhaps i should've really just told her instead...

This whole morning, i was trying to find something to do, trying to mow the lawn but it was too hot... Then i went to play my games.... Thoughout the games, i wonder if I can just be this character I'm using, to travel back in times... If i could travel back, i wouldn't had make those mistakes that i shouldn't make...

Really, i wanted to go back 1 month, and change what i did, or least told her earlier. Many of the things might be flipped around if I did, but what is done... is done... So I might as well not think about them...

如果我可以返去過去，我一定會把握我的機會，一定唔會被它放過...
 If I had the chance to go back to the past, i will definitely take my chance, and i will not let it go...

2nd Day Without Melody

It's 12PM right now... half a day since i last talked to her, or let's say argued with her. I really want to apologize for the argument, i shouldn't have brought up the rage and caps. But i fear that i couldn't say sorry to her right now, since she's on her trip, which i forgot where she was going... I hope she had fun for 3 days, but i knew that she would be worried about the things that happened yesterday..

Yesterday was the day i did my worst decision, which i told her about my feelings and thoughts. In the end, i ended up not even talking to her, which i feel really sad about. This morning, the time i slept, i was rethinking about my fault, knowing that i shouldn't have done many things. I shouldn't have told her, i shouldn't have waited so long, i shouldn't have hinted to her, and i shouldn't let Clement has an opening talking to her...

Then i thought about her relationship right now, Clement and her. I imagined things what couples would do, or what they would talk about... I tried to erase my thoughts by pushing myself to my pillows, but images like holding hands, watching movies, or even kissing is like popping out of my mind. The more i think about it, the sader i got. The sader i got. I sensed tears filling up in my eyes. I tried to wipe it off, but it would just come back again. In the end, i let some of it just flow out, leaving a wet spot on my pillow, crying myself to sleep.

Somehow I didnt dream about anything, which i found it weird, but then i woke up at 8AM... At that time, i felt better than yesterday, at least i don't have images flowing around and around in my head. Then i lied down on my bed, trying to sleep again. Before i fell asleep, i thought about what would it be, if I never asked it, if i never met her, or if i never even went to the volunteer... I'm sure my life might've been nicer... or maybe it wouldn't be as melancholy as now...

I slept for 3 more hours, and now I'm writing this blog, couldn't think of anything to write.... At least i would try to last this sub-blog for 30 days... But i bet that it wouldn't because I might move on, yet i hope I won't... I kind of wanted to leave the spot for her in my heart for a while, before I do anything stupid again. I wish i would cherish anything i had with her, even if it was a small little portion of my life. I don't know how long it would take for her images to fade away from my mind, but i would try to keep it inside me, no matter what it would take...

Sometimes i wonder, i never took a picture with her, i stopped talking to her because Clement was in the way. Was it that I fear Clement, or is it that I fear of losing her if I did anything stupid.... Whatever, life still goes on as usual.... i hope her part would be inside me, giving me something I would never forget...

沒有她的日子是十分之難過的..
 Days without her is really hard to pass

1st Day without Melody

Today, i did something i might regret for the rest of my life...

I'm only 16... for one day... and i choose to destroy one of my best friendship ever had. Most of the time, I've wondered if I should ask her out or not. The her i referred to is Melody, I don't know how to describe her... She's 14 and turning 15 by the end of this year, one year younger than me. What i think of her was cute and funny when i first saw her. Even though she's short, i didn't mind because that's not what i judge her.

Anyways, she have been my "cool buddy" for this summer, I've always tried to stay neutral with her... wanting to wait until this other guy, Clement, would stop going for her, since she told me that she didn't like this guy at all... But things are not so well as I thought it would be. Clement had been into her everyday, next to her, talking to her, even took away my own time talking to her... The only time i had that is alone with her is at night, where we can only chat on AIM.

Days after days, i feel out of reach from her, i feel lonely and sad... I do not know what to do. I have been debating with myself whether or not i should told her my feelings, like really... I fear that Clement would be in the way, i fear that Melody might not feel the same, i fear that the friendship i created for so long would be gone within 1 minute, which is whenever i will confess to her... I always think that staying stable and talking to her would be the way to go, but things are not as good as i thought it would be. These days, Clement been near her more than the previous days... I've also been wondering when i will lose her, because my friends had been telling me rumors that they had already been together for weeks..

Today i decided not to chicken out, because my plan for yesterday... which I was suppose to tell her about my feelings during the Truth Or Dare game i had with my friends, but she wasn't there because I kind of scared her away by yelling at her. This morning i said sorry, but noticing something happened. After work, i decided to meet her personally, telling her what I truly fell.

At the time i walked to Caesar Bay Mall from Bay ParkWay, it seems to be days had passed. Even though it was only approximately 20 blocks, i felt like i walked for years.. My heart beat faster as i approach the mall, because i know that she would reject me... But i still decide to do it, because i don't want this problem to linger for any longer...

I told her about my feelings, told her about how i like her and i wish that she would like me the same. While she was about to reply, her mom came back, which disturb what i wanted to heard. I thought i was safe for the moment, i told her that forget what i was trying to say, because i rather have the friendship than the relationship. Then my friend, Adam, a friend that came with me, called me and told me that she already accepted Clement as her boyfriend. On my way back home, my heart felt like as if it was stabbed millions of times. I was hoping for a NO, not something so shocking that she would accept Clement as her boyfriend...

At home, i signed on AIM, the first thing she asked me was "Are we still friends?" I was really mad at the fact that she asked me that, without concerning what I've gone through, liking this "cool buddy" of mine. Me and Mel (short name) had a huge argument, and i was so glad that i actually hold myself from raging on her so much, which could cause damage to her...

We also argued about things such as how much I've hinted to her, how much I felt about her, and how much i really did for her. Yet i know she wouldn't really understand, but i would forgive her. Since that she is in the middle between 2 guys trying to confess to her anyways. I just felt like i would be the sacrifice of the 2, even though i have sacrifice so many things already...

While we were arguing, i also told my friends about Clement is going out with Melody. All my friends were shocked that who would like Clement, and saying that I'm better than Clement in any ways. What i actually did, was to tell my friends to be quiet, because what Mel likes... i would totally just let her, I don't want to pressure her, nor wanted to argue with her... i feel guilty in doing so...

My friends told me things about how Clement wasn't liked by any Techies (people that goes to Brooklyn Technical High School), or Clement is a attention freak, or some other things. I also personally know that he has 80 something average, not being a good friend, and others that i don't want to mention. It is not that i disagree them two going together, but i fear who can give her what she needed when Clement can't even support himself.

Anyways, I really am sorry that i was mad at Mel, for what she did wasn't her fault, but picking the guy that she likes. So this is how i started my 1st day without her...

我希望都不用了...有—點兒想...哭...
I don't even need to wish now... I somehow wanted to.. cry..