Today was pretty damn fun.. Kinda .. not really...
Me and my volunteer friends went to Flushing today, and we met with John Liu in person . It was alright. Some funny things that happened there was John Liu actually said "i use Comptroller as a stepping stone." or Clement bullshitting with his "I plan everything ahead."
Lmao... Why am I saying he is bullshitting? Well, first of all, he never plan everything, the only thing he planned was to ask Melody out, which is probably the only thing he did great at. Other than that, he fails at life... I only admire (i shouldn't even say admire) him being able to get Melody. He fails at school and he fails at socialing. Reason is that he would value Melody over his school and education at the moment, which he is only getting an 80 without Melody, so what "CAN" he possibly get.
Why i say he fails at socialing? The reason is his profile... It clearly shows that he doesn't give a shit about anything but the "queen" - thus referring as Melody. That's why i realized the reason everybody hates him. He is a jerk =] for that, and i agree with my friends.
Ohh, let's go back to the plan everything ahead thing. He NEVER plan anything, he fails at life. I was laughing like nuts when he said that. Then Bo Rong (Bo Bo) and Andrew whispered to me, saying "Oh, what a liar." I replied to them "Just an attention whore xD, don't need to give a shit."
The whole John Liu thing went from boring to funny because of that.
The other thing is that... me, Adam, Joey, Andrew, and Bo Bo were checking out girls. We thought there would be like "hot" / "cute" girls in the QUEENS Youth Action Team. Turns out that there is barely any.. OKAY looking one... We did fine 1 or 2 so so looking girls, but overall every girl is just bad. Me and Joey had this so called "radar" thing going on. He told me that "His Connection lost," which meant that he can't even sense anything. I laughed and replied him "No information being bounced back," for no hot girls in sight xD. It was an inside joke we had.
Then taking the train back to Sheepshead... It was fun. We played Truth or Dare, with double truth and double dare. Things we said were not suppose to go out the group, so i might as well not expose any secrets or dares that we did. =]
Then we arrived UA, and went to watch Inglorious Bastards. It was the random-est movie i had ever watched. It was an action comedy : funny yet sometimes boring. I rated it 2.5/5... because it is not my taste in movies.
Overall, today was fun. Spenting time talking random shit to my 2 god bros : Aaron and Andrew is like awesome. I had fun talking about random shit, but yeah. We enjoyed ourselves instead of working today.
有時唔開心的事也可以變為開心的。
Sometimes depressing things can be forced into happy ones
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
10th Day without Melody
Ahh o.o Seems like I have nothing to write about today xDD
I slept the whole day.. basically that is it...
Now my blog might be short and simple, since everything is over... or is it?
I don't know, but I think i did important things today, not saying what it is.. but yeah.. it's all good...
OH... Not to mention Andrew and Aaron, proud to be their bro =]. Hope i will still know them when i grow up =D.
That's basically everything for today..
I slept the whole day.. basically that is it...
Now my blog might be short and simple, since everything is over... or is it?
I don't know, but I think i did important things today, not saying what it is.. but yeah.. it's all good...
OH... Not to mention Andrew and Aaron, proud to be their bro =]. Hope i will still know them when i grow up =D.
That's basically everything for today..
Saturday, August 29, 2009
9th Day without Melody
Today is the 9th day, It seems to be a good number... I always know that 9 is a good number.... For sometimes... Oh.. Don't forget 7....
Hmm.. Nothing much today. I recovered... as you all know. I slept until 11 this morning, waking up with my Home Attendant yelling and yapping. I shut her up with some shit... I forgot... But yeah, she was pretty annoying some of the time...
What is good today? Well this midnight, I talked to Melody, for the first time, I actually felt the "cool buddy" thing is still there. We talked because she was in somewhat stress. I consoled her a little, and talk about life. Things went pretty well, not like the past week...
This morning when she got on, I managed to actually talk to her now. I don't fear what might happen, all I know is that I can talk to her in a friend way. I actually am not so jealous right now, except for the fact that I need to be alert if something wrong will happen... as I was saying yesterday.
That's basically what happened today, I hope days will be the same... after today, as usual with the "cool buddy."
Concluding today, I think i got better with my relation problem, by relation i mean.. talking and connection. I hope things will go well, but yet i hope i will not close this blog that quick, even I got over things, because this blog reminds me... teach me... and also.. tell me that I have friends that care... and TWO new god bros =]
有時愛情不是所有，有情都是那麽寶貴的。
Sometimes love is not all, friendship can be also that great and important.
Hmm.. Nothing much today. I recovered... as you all know. I slept until 11 this morning, waking up with my Home Attendant yelling and yapping. I shut her up with some shit... I forgot... But yeah, she was pretty annoying some of the time...
What is good today? Well this midnight, I talked to Melody, for the first time, I actually felt the "cool buddy" thing is still there. We talked because she was in somewhat stress. I consoled her a little, and talk about life. Things went pretty well, not like the past week...
This morning when she got on, I managed to actually talk to her now. I don't fear what might happen, all I know is that I can talk to her in a friend way. I actually am not so jealous right now, except for the fact that I need to be alert if something wrong will happen... as I was saying yesterday.
That's basically what happened today, I hope days will be the same... after today, as usual with the "cool buddy."
Concluding today, I think i got better with my relation problem, by relation i mean.. talking and connection. I hope things will go well, but yet i hope i will not close this blog that quick, even I got over things, because this blog reminds me... teach me... and also.. tell me that I have friends that care... and TWO new god bros =]
有時愛情不是所有，有情都是那麽寶貴的。
Sometimes love is not all, friendship can be also that great and important.
Friday, August 28, 2009
8th Day without Melody
Hm... I don't know what to say again, but I'm sick of them two =P. Yes i mean it, Lol.
Let's talk about life first of all. Today i volunteered again. Basically, we did nothing but playing cards and mafia. Again, i became the dealer of a texas holdem game for 5 freaking hours. I got so sick of cards that I was dizzy when i see them. The whole 5 hours, i was just dealing and dealing and dealing, shuffling and shuffling...
Life... I don't know. I obtained my regular life now, just that a life without Clement and Melody in it. I barely talked to them anymore, get so sick and tired of them. Now i can't even bare with it, I probably won't go back for her even if they break up. Oh wells =P, it is life, we will see...
I mean, it is not that my feelings had changed for her, but my views had changed a lot. First of all, i never thought she would've been a girl like this. She and Clement got so intimate after really being together for 4 days, since she's been out for 4 other days.
What can i say... I don't expect any girl would climb onto another guy and sleep like that in 4 days. The position they are in.... Imagine a piggy back ride in the opposite side, or the "sex" position. Clement is sitting down with his legs closed, while Mel just climbed onto him and lied on him. Then Clement just grab her by his waist and push her against his chest. I can't even imagine how they can sleep like this.
Another thing is, I had never see a couple going that far in 4 days. Ignore the hold hands, ignore the hugs... Do you even think a girl would let a guy to just touch her by her butt and stroll around it? I can't imagine that at all. I wouldn't even imagine Clement would put his arm around the "chest" area in just a few days.
Oh wells XD, that has nothing to do with me now. I told myself to bring out my positive and funny side. I did my job =P, somehow i joked about it, laughed about it. I just pretend I never really met her like i used to, like were really never "friends." Her image in me would stay the same as the moment that i like her, but her real person would never been the same.
I actually learn something, be positive is the way to go. I mean, being positive, now I don't even care. I mean, not in a bitch way, but I do suffer, i do get hurt. Yet the damage she dealt to me is minimized to the lowest, for i had pretend i see nothing, know nothing, which might be better than realizing everything... Sounds weird but ok.. =P
Aside from that, I was glad that I didn't get into this relationship. Not because of what she is now, but because I know for sure I don't last long with girls. When i put on my aim profile "The person you loved should be your best friend," I already know what I could do. I know that i don't last long with girls, so I don't like going for them. I wonder if i did, I might've hurt myself even more... For the love i have for her.
Ohh... Also, Jenna reminded me this story, "What I did for Love." The link I recommend to read this story is http://universalbuddy.tripod.com/story.htm . This story made me tear before, for many reasons. Now i rethink about it. I couldn't be the same person as Nima, to give the love he can to Ji Won. I can give Mel the same quality, but not quantity. I bet i would never do so many things, even if i think she never liked me before...
Edit: Yeah, but i still think that she isn't like that. I never would believe she is such a "slut" in a way she would go climb on Clement in 4 days. Well Andrew suggested that she might be pressured, and i would rather believe that, leaving a good image in me... If what Andrew said was true, then I should really pick my swift blade up now... I might need it later....
她已經不是我以前認識的人了。
She's already not the person i used to know.
Let's talk about life first of all. Today i volunteered again. Basically, we did nothing but playing cards and mafia. Again, i became the dealer of a texas holdem game for 5 freaking hours. I got so sick of cards that I was dizzy when i see them. The whole 5 hours, i was just dealing and dealing and dealing, shuffling and shuffling...
Life... I don't know. I obtained my regular life now, just that a life without Clement and Melody in it. I barely talked to them anymore, get so sick and tired of them. Now i can't even bare with it, I probably won't go back for her even if they break up. Oh wells =P, it is life, we will see...
I mean, it is not that my feelings had changed for her, but my views had changed a lot. First of all, i never thought she would've been a girl like this. She and Clement got so intimate after really being together for 4 days, since she's been out for 4 other days.
What can i say... I don't expect any girl would climb onto another guy and sleep like that in 4 days. The position they are in.... Imagine a piggy back ride in the opposite side, or the "sex" position. Clement is sitting down with his legs closed, while Mel just climbed onto him and lied on him. Then Clement just grab her by his waist and push her against his chest. I can't even imagine how they can sleep like this.
Another thing is, I had never see a couple going that far in 4 days. Ignore the hold hands, ignore the hugs... Do you even think a girl would let a guy to just touch her by her butt and stroll around it? I can't imagine that at all. I wouldn't even imagine Clement would put his arm around the "chest" area in just a few days.
Oh wells XD, that has nothing to do with me now. I told myself to bring out my positive and funny side. I did my job =P, somehow i joked about it, laughed about it. I just pretend I never really met her like i used to, like were really never "friends." Her image in me would stay the same as the moment that i like her, but her real person would never been the same.
I actually learn something, be positive is the way to go. I mean, being positive, now I don't even care. I mean, not in a bitch way, but I do suffer, i do get hurt. Yet the damage she dealt to me is minimized to the lowest, for i had pretend i see nothing, know nothing, which might be better than realizing everything... Sounds weird but ok.. =P
Aside from that, I was glad that I didn't get into this relationship. Not because of what she is now, but because I know for sure I don't last long with girls. When i put on my aim profile "The person you loved should be your best friend," I already know what I could do. I know that i don't last long with girls, so I don't like going for them. I wonder if i did, I might've hurt myself even more... For the love i have for her.
Ohh... Also, Jenna reminded me this story, "What I did for Love." The link I recommend to read this story is http://universalbuddy.tripod.com/story.htm . This story made me tear before, for many reasons. Now i rethink about it. I couldn't be the same person as Nima, to give the love he can to Ji Won. I can give Mel the same quality, but not quantity. I bet i would never do so many things, even if i think she never liked me before...
Edit: Yeah, but i still think that she isn't like that. I never would believe she is such a "slut" in a way she would go climb on Clement in 4 days. Well Andrew suggested that she might be pressured, and i would rather believe that, leaving a good image in me... If what Andrew said was true, then I should really pick my swift blade up now... I might need it later....
她已經不是我以前認識的人了。
She's already not the person i used to know.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
7th Day without Melody
Lawl lawl lawl -_- It's 7 days after the thing passed o.o I guess I'm done with all my emo-ness.....
Well. Many things happened today, although there are things i don't want, but there are also things i want. Today, I will blog in a different way, indicating my life changed. Even though that might sound weird, but yea, life changed... LOL
I will list all the things I went through today from worst to best:
1. I realized that i give up long ago.
It is not that I wanted to give up, but yeah. They seem to be really together right now, so i might as well just leave the two alone. Let's say... I opened my mind, I adopted this "see no evil" thing. I pretend i see nothing, ignoring everything that is happening. I see them like hugging each other, holding hands, holding her by the waist... but I only feel jealousy, not hate. Probably because I thought it is alright now. I even joke about it, so I guess I'm alright...
2. The deal is done
Adam, my deal with you is completed. Even tho Stella and Wendy didn't talk. I had enough fun with like almost everyone talking to me. Thank so man, love you so much =]. I will bring back my positive person and the funny person out. I learn to forgive already, learn to let go but not let my feelings go. I would work on it, but I think being happy is my main goal from now on.
3. Events is good...
Well today, i volunteered for more than... 12 hours. I went to the morning shift, ate lunch, chill in the afternoon shift, and went to this evening event. The whole time i was just laughing and laughing... Had lots of fun, thank you guys...
4. I realized Truth or Dare (replace with DOUBLE TRUTH) is fun to play..
This game requires talking the truth, yes.. the truth. Well telling the truth actually makes you brave... sometimes.. and sometimes it give you strength. Or sometimes it makes you laugh... Really fun playing T/dT...
5. I have friends =]
Thank you Ariel, thank you Jessica, thank you Joey, thank you Angela, thank you Raymond, thank you Emily, thank you Ibrahim, thank you Richard gahh.. so many people to thank.. Yea thank you everyone for making me happy after all these things happened to me =P.
6. Ohh don't forget my God brothers, and my soon going to be god bros
My old God brothers: Andrew, Anthony, Adam, Raymond thank you so much =]
Considering: Andrew Mah and Aaron
I mean... Yeah.. my old god brothers are cool, taught me everything i need to take care of myself.
Andrew and Aaron, what can i say. Andrew, a cool kid, taught me to be brave, never to regret... Fun person to be friends with, and hope we will be friends when we grow up. Aaron, lol. Thanks for listening to my bull crap all the time, and you would still come to me and listen. Really friendly, really nice, and everyone say i look like him. This kid taught me to forgive, to let go, and to have fun. Thank you so much for lifting me out of this, seriously. Both of you are like my best friends in volunteer besides my Semi.
你最幸福的時候不是有人愛上你，而是有幾個關心你的人。
The best part of life is not to have someone to love you, but to have a few people that actually care about you
Well. Many things happened today, although there are things i don't want, but there are also things i want. Today, I will blog in a different way, indicating my life changed. Even though that might sound weird, but yea, life changed... LOL
I will list all the things I went through today from worst to best:
1. I realized that i give up long ago.
It is not that I wanted to give up, but yeah. They seem to be really together right now, so i might as well just leave the two alone. Let's say... I opened my mind, I adopted this "see no evil" thing. I pretend i see nothing, ignoring everything that is happening. I see them like hugging each other, holding hands, holding her by the waist... but I only feel jealousy, not hate. Probably because I thought it is alright now. I even joke about it, so I guess I'm alright...
2. The deal is done
Adam, my deal with you is completed. Even tho Stella and Wendy didn't talk. I had enough fun with like almost everyone talking to me. Thank so man, love you so much =]. I will bring back my positive person and the funny person out. I learn to forgive already, learn to let go but not let my feelings go. I would work on it, but I think being happy is my main goal from now on.
3. Events is good...
Well today, i volunteered for more than... 12 hours. I went to the morning shift, ate lunch, chill in the afternoon shift, and went to this evening event. The whole time i was just laughing and laughing... Had lots of fun, thank you guys...
4. I realized Truth or Dare (replace with DOUBLE TRUTH) is fun to play..
This game requires talking the truth, yes.. the truth. Well telling the truth actually makes you brave... sometimes.. and sometimes it give you strength. Or sometimes it makes you laugh... Really fun playing T/dT...
5. I have friends =]
Thank you Ariel, thank you Jessica, thank you Joey, thank you Angela, thank you Raymond, thank you Emily, thank you Ibrahim, thank you Richard gahh.. so many people to thank.. Yea thank you everyone for making me happy after all these things happened to me =P.
6. Ohh don't forget my God brothers, and my soon going to be god bros
My old God brothers: Andrew, Anthony, Adam, Raymond thank you so much =]
Considering: Andrew Mah and Aaron
I mean... Yeah.. my old god brothers are cool, taught me everything i need to take care of myself.
Andrew and Aaron, what can i say. Andrew, a cool kid, taught me to be brave, never to regret... Fun person to be friends with, and hope we will be friends when we grow up. Aaron, lol. Thanks for listening to my bull crap all the time, and you would still come to me and listen. Really friendly, really nice, and everyone say i look like him. This kid taught me to forgive, to let go, and to have fun. Thank you so much for lifting me out of this, seriously. Both of you are like my best friends in volunteer besides my Semi.
你最幸福的時候不是有人愛上你，而是有幾個關心你的人。
The best part of life is not to have someone to love you, but to have a few people that actually care about you
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
6th Day without Melody (night)
IDK what to say .. many stuff to say.. many things to bitch about...
I feel like I'm on the cliff right now.. about to fall.. but friends are trying to save me. At the same time, people are holding like swords and knives on me, trying to kill me. This is what i felt like right now... It is like I'm about to die -_- , one way I'm forced to leave.. one way my friends are telling me to come back and wait... Wait until they break up so I would go in. I kind of think that is stupid, because I'm like somewhat suffering from this whole mess, while people telling me to come back is just ..... Yeah... And i have 4 AP class next year... If I can't make it by the end of August... I don't even think i would have time everyday.... and I probably will only have time on the weekend... and 1 day every 2 weekends.... Those are like.. somewhat the reasons I'm kind of not wanting to go back right now...
Today... it hurts... She asked me to be friends again, yet she didn't even talk to me afterward. I feel like shit for being such "friend." Then again, their relationship just kill me. I'm half jealous and half mad that Clement hugged Mel in front of me and give me this stare, as if i would never get her... I know i wouldn't, but i mean... "Don't give me this stare." Just like Ibby said, "i think there [they're] still to young to understand how it makes u feel when u see them together."
That's basically what i have to bleh about today..
有時愛一個人真係身不由已...
Sometimes, liking somebody is really.. weird... You do everything without your mind...…Nothing is in your control...
I feel like I'm on the cliff right now.. about to fall.. but friends are trying to save me. At the same time, people are holding like swords and knives on me, trying to kill me. This is what i felt like right now... It is like I'm about to die -_- , one way I'm forced to leave.. one way my friends are telling me to come back and wait... Wait until they break up so I would go in. I kind of think that is stupid, because I'm like somewhat suffering from this whole mess, while people telling me to come back is just ..... Yeah... And i have 4 AP class next year... If I can't make it by the end of August... I don't even think i would have time everyday.... and I probably will only have time on the weekend... and 1 day every 2 weekends.... Those are like.. somewhat the reasons I'm kind of not wanting to go back right now...
Today... it hurts... She asked me to be friends again, yet she didn't even talk to me afterward. I feel like shit for being such "friend." Then again, their relationship just kill me. I'm half jealous and half mad that Clement hugged Mel in front of me and give me this stare, as if i would never get her... I know i wouldn't, but i mean... "Don't give me this stare." Just like Ibby said, "i think there [they're] still to young to understand how it makes u feel when u see them together."
That's basically what i have to bleh about today..
有時愛一個人真係身不由已...
Sometimes, liking somebody is really.. weird... You do everything without your mind...…Nothing is in your control...
6th Day without Melody (midnight)
Hmm just a continue from day -_- 5... yea....
I had a dinner in New Jersey.. hoping to get some sense in myself..... I went to this Jose Tejas place... Mexican + Cujan food... really good.. i really commend it to anyone..
Address of this place would be..:
700 US Hwy 1 N
Iselin, NJ 08830
Yea have fun...
Now back to the topic -_-
I went there with a family friend of mine... We talked about girls, because my second brother is now being bothered with many girls... Even I should be the spotlight everyone should be talking about, but I didn't tell them anything...because I don't want them to be worry about my problems..
Then we talked about young girls... about this girl named, Susan. This girl was hitting on my 2nd brother, she is also the same age as Mel. My family friend met this girl once, saying that girl has a big attitude. But that's not all to it, he also say that girl likes looking guys more than money. I asked why, he told me.. "at this age, girls look for look > money... But when they grew older, they would know money is such an important thing." I rethink about that.... realized that... "sigh... I know I'm ugly, no wonder i fail." Then i just went silent most of the time in the dinner...
Sometimes i wish girls are more into characteristic... but realistically.. they go for hot/cute girls when they are young.. When they grew more mature, they would notice that material wise would also be important.. That i meant by money and house. What is good for a couple without a decent house, with a decent family... But yea.. I hope that Mel hasn't chosen the wrong person... For I think Clement would not be able to support her... during these crisis... I mean, if she likes another guy that could support her, i would shut my mouth right now.. seriously...
Ohh and i meant in the future -_- for those who bitched at me -_-
That's what i really want to say..
I had a dinner in New Jersey.. hoping to get some sense in myself..... I went to this Jose Tejas place... Mexican + Cujan food... really good.. i really commend it to anyone..
Address of this place would be..:
Iselin, NJ 08830
(732) 283-3883
Yea have fun...
Now back to the topic -_-
I went there with a family friend of mine... We talked about girls, because my second brother is now being bothered with many girls... Even I should be the spotlight everyone should be talking about, but I didn't tell them anything...because I don't want them to be worry about my problems..
Then we talked about young girls... about this girl named, Susan. This girl was hitting on my 2nd brother, she is also the same age as Mel. My family friend met this girl once, saying that girl has a big attitude. But that's not all to it, he also say that girl likes looking guys more than money. I asked why, he told me.. "at this age, girls look for look > money... But when they grew older, they would know money is such an important thing." I rethink about that.... realized that... "sigh... I know I'm ugly, no wonder i fail." Then i just went silent most of the time in the dinner...
Sometimes i wish girls are more into characteristic... but realistically.. they go for hot/cute girls when they are young.. When they grew more mature, they would notice that material wise would also be important.. That i meant by money and house. What is good for a couple without a decent house, with a decent family... But yea.. I hope that Mel hasn't chosen the wrong person... For I think Clement would not be able to support her... during these crisis... I mean, if she likes another guy that could support her, i would shut my mouth right now.. seriously...
Ohh and i meant in the future -_- for those who bitched at me -_-
That's what i really want to say..
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
5th Day without Melody
Hm.. Today is the 5th day without Her.. What is there to say... Well today might be the last day without her, because she is returning from a trip. But that doesn't mean this blog is done, because tomorrow will be the 1st day to see her with Clement. Oh gosh ._. .... Anyways... i will still, name it the 6th day for tomorrow... As for today, i will try to make it really short...
I don't know what happened, my life started to get dull. It is not the dull you get from missing her. But it feels like I'm getting lonely... I started to sleep more than twelves hours a day, adopting Mel's sleeping habit... I started to eat icecream when I'm depressed, which is another thing that she does... I don't know if this is right, but i feel really lonely. I mean, nothing to do, nothing to eat. It happened last time too i think, when i broke up with my last ex... She was really pessimitic and depressed, and I'm really.. optimistic and happy. After that, our characteristic completely changed.... I get bored easy, feel sick of life, and etc...
I don't have much stuff to talk about today, as I'm sleeping half of the time... Oh, let's talk about tomorrow's event... or death event...
Well, I was sorry that I made her mad last Friday, so i ask my friend, Jessica, to contact her and make a meeting for us. Tomorrow, before the volunteer, i would meet her half an hour before and talk to her. I have a lot to ask, but i still need to apologize, as i made her mad even though it is my fault. I really wanted to ask what happened between us, why Clement but not me, Why we talked so little after my dad came back, and many other questions.. I know it might be a bad thing to do, but I know that if I don't figure all the things out, I will not be able to pick myself up and move myself on. In the end, i will try to make the conversation fun, but i fear I wouldn't be able to...
Yea.. That's about it for today... I might go outside and have dinner in a bit, so I will talk to you people at like 9PM?
如果你給我多一次的機會，我一定會好好地珍識。
If I'm given a second chance, I definitely will appreicate and cherish it.
I don't know what happened, my life started to get dull. It is not the dull you get from missing her. But it feels like I'm getting lonely... I started to sleep more than twelves hours a day, adopting Mel's sleeping habit... I started to eat icecream when I'm depressed, which is another thing that she does... I don't know if this is right, but i feel really lonely. I mean, nothing to do, nothing to eat. It happened last time too i think, when i broke up with my last ex... She was really pessimitic and depressed, and I'm really.. optimistic and happy. After that, our characteristic completely changed.... I get bored easy, feel sick of life, and etc...
I don't have much stuff to talk about today, as I'm sleeping half of the time... Oh, let's talk about tomorrow's event... or death event...
Well, I was sorry that I made her mad last Friday, so i ask my friend, Jessica, to contact her and make a meeting for us. Tomorrow, before the volunteer, i would meet her half an hour before and talk to her. I have a lot to ask, but i still need to apologize, as i made her mad even though it is my fault. I really wanted to ask what happened between us, why Clement but not me, Why we talked so little after my dad came back, and many other questions.. I know it might be a bad thing to do, but I know that if I don't figure all the things out, I will not be able to pick myself up and move myself on. In the end, i will try to make the conversation fun, but i fear I wouldn't be able to...
Yea.. That's about it for today... I might go outside and have dinner in a bit, so I will talk to you people at like 9PM?
如果你給我多一次的機會，我一定會好好地珍識。
If I'm given a second chance, I definitely will appreicate and cherish it.
Monday, August 24, 2009
4th Day without Melody
... It's been the 4th day, i just realized... Time has been passing so slow, isn't it? ...
It felt like as if 3 years had passed and my pain still didnt disappear ><...
Today, really ... learn a little, but yet so much so blog.... But then i think about..."If i blog about what i just realized today, i wouldn't be able to blog as much tomorrow." Then i realized I'm so stupid because i should blog whenever i have the feelings to... and as much as i remember before i forget... Let's hope today be a long one...
Yesterday... I was seriously.. dull... but yea... still have to face life... Somehow.. i remember her words, "Icecream makes me happy." That sentence really got into me, i deicded to try my icecream.... For the first time, instead of eating it, I'm actually thinking about enjoying it. When i ate my icecream, really... I kind of had a flashback.. about the times that i enjoyed myself with her. The time that i bought icecream for her, the time i would go in when shes sad, the time that i would act depress and she would come to me. Everything was so sweet and so nice, as if none of my mistakes were made... I think i really were smiling when i ate it...
Yet... When i finish my icecream... my smile really turned into a frown. I thougth of the times i argued with her, the times i hinted instead of telling her clearly, the times that I see her with Clement... A rush of sadness just come to me, as if it is forcing me to cry. I hold my tears... going back to my room, sitting at my bed, and looking up the ceiling. I thought "Sigh, I want to get out of this problem... yet I couldn't make it." I really just want icecream forever now.... to dream about the time i had fun, just like the fantasy story of The Little Match Girl.
These days, many people been telling me things and rumors about Clement, saying he is bad and all that. Saying things like I don't deserve to lose to him and many others. Somehow, i feel even more sad when i hear those words... For love can change Clement from a "jerk" or "whore" (what my friend describes him), to someone so nice and lovable toward Mel. I feel like Clement is the one really be able to give Mel the thing she needed...
I always think that ... Before i have my girlfriend, i need to know i have the financial support, this for being a good education so i can get a future job. I also need a good eloquence skill, to entertain her and make her have fun, instead of being so silent and moody. Lastly, i also need to know how to give her my full love, to put her in front, to care about her, and to know what she needs.
After the accident, my mind changed... There is no need for money, entertainment, or even love. If Mel likes Clement, i would let her, really... Those three elements are not required... If two loves each other, money are not required, it would just be better if there is extra. Entertainment, that's even less of a necessary, two can be dull but just that they need to love each other is enough. Lastly, i said love isn't required... Why? It is because when you truly love someone, you wouldn't care about IF HE/SHE LOVES YOU BACK. That is not even in the story when you love someone. Just like me, i really do love Mel (Let's say like, because i don't feel honored to call it love). Even if she doesn't like me, i would really let her. Because what she loves would give her happiness, which i would be happy if she found her love...
Now put that issue aside... I don't know what to say when i see her on Wednesday, or talk to her on Tuesday night. I got her mad, because of my sudden rage... I even cursed at her... telling her to shut up.. I really feel like a "dick" right now... My friend, told me that she did the same thing when my God Bro pick some other girl over her. She said it is alright because I didn't meant it... Now i fully understand how she felt... How she doesn't really want it, but had to adopt it... There is something i can't say because of people that are reading this blog... But yeah.. i understand you... really... I hope me and you will get out of the mess as soon as possible tho...
Hmm.. What else to say.. Oh... Yea... Crying sure is one way out.. But cannot cry is the way to realized that you really miss someone. I tried crying to release stress, yet i couldn't cry. Even if i do cry, i know for a fact that i would just miss her even more.
Other things also make me cry... Today, i went back to my Chat log... I realized that i deleted the log before .. July 28th... Which is where i had more fun... with her... than after... I think that she decided that I wouldn't be a better boyfriend to her about Aug 10th... Where she completely ignored me... Before that, we talked together.. and i saw that on Aug 3rd or so, she would even call me and talk to me on the phone... She would even let me joke about liking her and etc. Sometimes i wonder if my dad wasn't here... wouldn't bring me to all these places, Clement might not have the space to come in and talk with her. Also i wonder if Ray wouldn't leave volunteer, Raymond would also make me talk to Mel.... Those stuff really do get my emotion...
Talking about crying, I realized that i do fear... There are many things i fear and I really do fear Clement sometimes. I fear that he will take over my place as her "cool buddy", which i think he already did. I fear that if i do get Mel before, Clement would come and beat me up, that is another reason why i stopped myself from acting before... I also fear that someday his psychological words would just brain wash Mel, making her couldn't decide who is the better for her, but i assume there is no need for that... Or did he already accomplish his goal.. with psychology...
Now, beside fear... My friends been telling me to hope.. I don't know if i should hope or not. They told me to "hope for the best." Saying that Mel might realized one day that I would be better and come to me. Saying that Mel might considered Clement because i didn't went for her (which i think is true), but now since i confessed, she might leave him and come to me (which i think is impossible). I know Mel, she is not the type of person that would leave someone... in sadness... I also wouldn't want her to see this blog.. unless one of you just spread it... For sure, i know she would be really depressed when she see this blog... Now all i can do is hope...
That's basically what i realized today..... Well i think i don't have anything more than that to think of tomorrow... Since tomorrow is also my last blog before she comes back.. When she comes back on Wednesday, i will see what would happen.... Would I still go for her? Would i still be friends with her? Would Clement be her boyfriend still? Anything might happen.. Like my God Bro said.. "let's hope for the best..." That really sound desperate... but yea... nothing to do but to feel desperate..
我希望妳可以用我為你所做的一切原諒我。
I wish you can use whatever i did for you to forgive me...
It felt like as if 3 years had passed and my pain still didnt disappear ><...
Today, really ... learn a little, but yet so much so blog.... But then i think about..."If i blog about what i just realized today, i wouldn't be able to blog as much tomorrow." Then i realized I'm so stupid because i should blog whenever i have the feelings to... and as much as i remember before i forget... Let's hope today be a long one...
Yesterday... I was seriously.. dull... but yea... still have to face life... Somehow.. i remember her words, "Icecream makes me happy." That sentence really got into me, i deicded to try my icecream.... For the first time, instead of eating it, I'm actually thinking about enjoying it. When i ate my icecream, really... I kind of had a flashback.. about the times that i enjoyed myself with her. The time that i bought icecream for her, the time i would go in when shes sad, the time that i would act depress and she would come to me. Everything was so sweet and so nice, as if none of my mistakes were made... I think i really were smiling when i ate it...
Yet... When i finish my icecream... my smile really turned into a frown. I thougth of the times i argued with her, the times i hinted instead of telling her clearly, the times that I see her with Clement... A rush of sadness just come to me, as if it is forcing me to cry. I hold my tears... going back to my room, sitting at my bed, and looking up the ceiling. I thought "Sigh, I want to get out of this problem... yet I couldn't make it." I really just want icecream forever now.... to dream about the time i had fun, just like the fantasy story of The Little Match Girl.
These days, many people been telling me things and rumors about Clement, saying he is bad and all that. Saying things like I don't deserve to lose to him and many others. Somehow, i feel even more sad when i hear those words... For love can change Clement from a "jerk" or "whore" (what my friend describes him), to someone so nice and lovable toward Mel. I feel like Clement is the one really be able to give Mel the thing she needed...
I always think that ... Before i have my girlfriend, i need to know i have the financial support, this for being a good education so i can get a future job. I also need a good eloquence skill, to entertain her and make her have fun, instead of being so silent and moody. Lastly, i also need to know how to give her my full love, to put her in front, to care about her, and to know what she needs.
After the accident, my mind changed... There is no need for money, entertainment, or even love. If Mel likes Clement, i would let her, really... Those three elements are not required... If two loves each other, money are not required, it would just be better if there is extra. Entertainment, that's even less of a necessary, two can be dull but just that they need to love each other is enough. Lastly, i said love isn't required... Why? It is because when you truly love someone, you wouldn't care about IF HE/SHE LOVES YOU BACK. That is not even in the story when you love someone. Just like me, i really do love Mel (Let's say like, because i don't feel honored to call it love). Even if she doesn't like me, i would really let her. Because what she loves would give her happiness, which i would be happy if she found her love...
Now put that issue aside... I don't know what to say when i see her on Wednesday, or talk to her on Tuesday night. I got her mad, because of my sudden rage... I even cursed at her... telling her to shut up.. I really feel like a "dick" right now... My friend, told me that she did the same thing when my God Bro pick some other girl over her. She said it is alright because I didn't meant it... Now i fully understand how she felt... How she doesn't really want it, but had to adopt it... There is something i can't say because of people that are reading this blog... But yeah.. i understand you... really... I hope me and you will get out of the mess as soon as possible tho...
Hmm.. What else to say.. Oh... Yea... Crying sure is one way out.. But cannot cry is the way to realized that you really miss someone. I tried crying to release stress, yet i couldn't cry. Even if i do cry, i know for a fact that i would just miss her even more.
Other things also make me cry... Today, i went back to my Chat log... I realized that i deleted the log before .. July 28th... Which is where i had more fun... with her... than after... I think that she decided that I wouldn't be a better boyfriend to her about Aug 10th... Where she completely ignored me... Before that, we talked together.. and i saw that on Aug 3rd or so, she would even call me and talk to me on the phone... She would even let me joke about liking her and etc. Sometimes i wonder if my dad wasn't here... wouldn't bring me to all these places, Clement might not have the space to come in and talk with her. Also i wonder if Ray wouldn't leave volunteer, Raymond would also make me talk to Mel.... Those stuff really do get my emotion...
Talking about crying, I realized that i do fear... There are many things i fear and I really do fear Clement sometimes. I fear that he will take over my place as her "cool buddy", which i think he already did. I fear that if i do get Mel before, Clement would come and beat me up, that is another reason why i stopped myself from acting before... I also fear that someday his psychological words would just brain wash Mel, making her couldn't decide who is the better for her, but i assume there is no need for that... Or did he already accomplish his goal.. with psychology...
Now, beside fear... My friends been telling me to hope.. I don't know if i should hope or not. They told me to "hope for the best." Saying that Mel might realized one day that I would be better and come to me. Saying that Mel might considered Clement because i didn't went for her (which i think is true), but now since i confessed, she might leave him and come to me (which i think is impossible). I know Mel, she is not the type of person that would leave someone... in sadness... I also wouldn't want her to see this blog.. unless one of you just spread it... For sure, i know she would be really depressed when she see this blog... Now all i can do is hope...
That's basically what i realized today..... Well i think i don't have anything more than that to think of tomorrow... Since tomorrow is also my last blog before she comes back.. When she comes back on Wednesday, i will see what would happen.... Would I still go for her? Would i still be friends with her? Would Clement be her boyfriend still? Anything might happen.. Like my God Bro said.. "let's hope for the best..." That really sound desperate... but yea... nothing to do but to feel desperate..
我希望妳可以用我為你所做的一切原諒我。
I wish you can use whatever i did for you to forgive me...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
3rd Day without Melody
Its August 23th, third day after i did my mistake..... Also the 2nd day of her trip... Since then, I've never talked to her. Somehow, it felt like... as if 10 days had passed, and I miss her more than most of the people I missed in my life...
Sigh, i wonder if what my friends said was true. Everyone just kept telling me that Mel isn't smart enough to see I'm better than Clement, saying that she doesn't have the eyes to pick the right guy... I was 1/3 sad, 1/3 mad, and 1/3 relief when my friends say that. Why? Because I'm sad that I wouldn't be able to be the person next to her. I'm mad because what my friends said is basically telling me that i picked the wrong person to like.... But yet, I'm somewhat relief because I still have friends that care about me and talk to me...
Today, i woke up as my usual time 4-5 months ago, 11 AM... I woke up, hugging my pillow, wanting to go back to sleep... I felt like I haven't slept yesterday, yet I couldn't go back to sleep... I sat on my computer chair, opened my laptop, then i sat there with a long long silent. I was just thinking and thinking about what me and my friends IM yesterday... How they were helping me to comfort me, telling me everything is alright... To be honest, I'm still feeling somewhat dull, it seems like life is somewhat pointless again like 6 months ago.
I signed on aim, then i told another of my good friend, William, about my "experience"... I forgot what he told me, but it was like something about me, something about I didn't hint enough to her about the fact that i had feelings to her. Right when he said that, i told him "FINALLY.... someone said something ._. , saying that i didn't hint enough." Perhaps I really didn't hint her clearly... Perhaps i should've really just told her instead...
This whole morning, i was trying to find something to do, trying to mow the lawn but it was too hot... Then i went to play my games.... Thoughout the games, i wonder if I can just be this character I'm using, to travel back in times... If i could travel back, i wouldn't had make those mistakes that i shouldn't make...
Really, i wanted to go back 1 month, and change what i did, or least told her earlier. Many of the things might be flipped around if I did, but what is done... is done... So I might as well not think about them...
如果我可以返去過去，我一定會把握我的機會，一定唔會被它放過...
If I had the chance to go back to the past, i will definitely take my chance, and i will not let it go...
Sigh, i wonder if what my friends said was true. Everyone just kept telling me that Mel isn't smart enough to see I'm better than Clement, saying that she doesn't have the eyes to pick the right guy... I was 1/3 sad, 1/3 mad, and 1/3 relief when my friends say that. Why? Because I'm sad that I wouldn't be able to be the person next to her. I'm mad because what my friends said is basically telling me that i picked the wrong person to like.... But yet, I'm somewhat relief because I still have friends that care about me and talk to me...
Today, i woke up as my usual time 4-5 months ago, 11 AM... I woke up, hugging my pillow, wanting to go back to sleep... I felt like I haven't slept yesterday, yet I couldn't go back to sleep... I sat on my computer chair, opened my laptop, then i sat there with a long long silent. I was just thinking and thinking about what me and my friends IM yesterday... How they were helping me to comfort me, telling me everything is alright... To be honest, I'm still feeling somewhat dull, it seems like life is somewhat pointless again like 6 months ago.
I signed on aim, then i told another of my good friend, William, about my "experience"... I forgot what he told me, but it was like something about me, something about I didn't hint enough to her about the fact that i had feelings to her. Right when he said that, i told him "FINALLY.... someone said something ._. , saying that i didn't hint enough." Perhaps I really didn't hint her clearly... Perhaps i should've really just told her instead...
This whole morning, i was trying to find something to do, trying to mow the lawn but it was too hot... Then i went to play my games.... Thoughout the games, i wonder if I can just be this character I'm using, to travel back in times... If i could travel back, i wouldn't had make those mistakes that i shouldn't make...
Really, i wanted to go back 1 month, and change what i did, or least told her earlier. Many of the things might be flipped around if I did, but what is done... is done... So I might as well not think about them...
如果我可以返去過去，我一定會把握我的機會，一定唔會被它放過...
If I had the chance to go back to the past, i will definitely take my chance, and i will not let it go...
Saturday, August 22, 2009
2nd Day Without Melody
It's 12PM right now... half a day since i last talked to her, or let's say argued with her. I really want to apologize for the argument, i shouldn't have brought up the rage and caps. But i fear that i couldn't say sorry to her right now, since she's on her trip, which i forgot where she was going... I hope she had fun for 3 days, but i knew that she would be worried about the things that happened yesterday..
Yesterday was the day i did my worst decision, which i told her about my feelings and thoughts. In the end, i ended up not even talking to her, which i feel really sad about. This morning, the time i slept, i was rethinking about my fault, knowing that i shouldn't have done many things. I shouldn't have told her, i shouldn't have waited so long, i shouldn't have hinted to her, and i shouldn't let Clement has an opening talking to her...
Then i thought about her relationship right now, Clement and her. I imagined things what couples would do, or what they would talk about... I tried to erase my thoughts by pushing myself to my pillows, but images like holding hands, watching movies, or even kissing is like popping out of my mind. The more i think about it, the sader i got. The sader i got. I sensed tears filling up in my eyes. I tried to wipe it off, but it would just come back again. In the end, i let some of it just flow out, leaving a wet spot on my pillow, crying myself to sleep.
Somehow I didnt dream about anything, which i found it weird, but then i woke up at 8AM... At that time, i felt better than yesterday, at least i don't have images flowing around and around in my head. Then i lied down on my bed, trying to sleep again. Before i fell asleep, i thought about what would it be, if I never asked it, if i never met her, or if i never even went to the volunteer... I'm sure my life might've been nicer... or maybe it wouldn't be as melancholy as now...
I slept for 3 more hours, and now I'm writing this blog, couldn't think of anything to write.... At least i would try to last this sub-blog for 30 days... But i bet that it wouldn't because I might move on, yet i hope I won't... I kind of wanted to leave the spot for her in my heart for a while, before I do anything stupid again. I wish i would cherish anything i had with her, even if it was a small little portion of my life. I don't know how long it would take for her images to fade away from my mind, but i would try to keep it inside me, no matter what it would take...
Sometimes i wonder, i never took a picture with her, i stopped talking to her because Clement was in the way. Was it that I fear Clement, or is it that I fear of losing her if I did anything stupid.... Whatever, life still goes on as usual.... i hope her part would be inside me, giving me something I would never forget...
沒有她的日子是十分之難過的..
Days without her is really hard to pass
Yesterday was the day i did my worst decision, which i told her about my feelings and thoughts. In the end, i ended up not even talking to her, which i feel really sad about. This morning, the time i slept, i was rethinking about my fault, knowing that i shouldn't have done many things. I shouldn't have told her, i shouldn't have waited so long, i shouldn't have hinted to her, and i shouldn't let Clement has an opening talking to her...
Then i thought about her relationship right now, Clement and her. I imagined things what couples would do, or what they would talk about... I tried to erase my thoughts by pushing myself to my pillows, but images like holding hands, watching movies, or even kissing is like popping out of my mind. The more i think about it, the sader i got. The sader i got. I sensed tears filling up in my eyes. I tried to wipe it off, but it would just come back again. In the end, i let some of it just flow out, leaving a wet spot on my pillow, crying myself to sleep.
Somehow I didnt dream about anything, which i found it weird, but then i woke up at 8AM... At that time, i felt better than yesterday, at least i don't have images flowing around and around in my head. Then i lied down on my bed, trying to sleep again. Before i fell asleep, i thought about what would it be, if I never asked it, if i never met her, or if i never even went to the volunteer... I'm sure my life might've been nicer... or maybe it wouldn't be as melancholy as now...
I slept for 3 more hours, and now I'm writing this blog, couldn't think of anything to write.... At least i would try to last this sub-blog for 30 days... But i bet that it wouldn't because I might move on, yet i hope I won't... I kind of wanted to leave the spot for her in my heart for a while, before I do anything stupid again. I wish i would cherish anything i had with her, even if it was a small little portion of my life. I don't know how long it would take for her images to fade away from my mind, but i would try to keep it inside me, no matter what it would take...
Sometimes i wonder, i never took a picture with her, i stopped talking to her because Clement was in the way. Was it that I fear Clement, or is it that I fear of losing her if I did anything stupid.... Whatever, life still goes on as usual.... i hope her part would be inside me, giving me something I would never forget...
沒有她的日子是十分之難過的..
Days without her is really hard to pass
Friday, August 21, 2009
1st Day without Melody
Today, i did something i might regret for the rest of my life...
I'm only 16... for one day... and i choose to destroy one of my best friendship ever had. Most of the time, I've wondered if I should ask her out or not. The her i referred to is Melody, I don't know how to describe her... She's 14 and turning 15 by the end of this year, one year younger than me. What i think of her was cute and funny when i first saw her. Even though she's short, i didn't mind because that's not what i judge her.
Anyways, she have been my "cool buddy" for this summer, I've always tried to stay neutral with her... wanting to wait until this other guy, Clement, would stop going for her, since she told me that she didn't like this guy at all... But things are not so well as I thought it would be. Clement had been into her everyday, next to her, talking to her, even took away my own time talking to her... The only time i had that is alone with her is at night, where we can only chat on AIM.
Days after days, i feel out of reach from her, i feel lonely and sad... I do not know what to do. I have been debating with myself whether or not i should told her my feelings, like really... I fear that Clement would be in the way, i fear that Melody might not feel the same, i fear that the friendship i created for so long would be gone within 1 minute, which is whenever i will confess to her... I always think that staying stable and talking to her would be the way to go, but things are not as good as i thought it would be. These days, Clement been near her more than the previous days... I've also been wondering when i will lose her, because my friends had been telling me rumors that they had already been together for weeks..
Today i decided not to chicken out, because my plan for yesterday... which I was suppose to tell her about my feelings during the Truth Or Dare game i had with my friends, but she wasn't there because I kind of scared her away by yelling at her. This morning i said sorry, but noticing something happened. After work, i decided to meet her personally, telling her what I truly fell.
At the time i walked to Caesar Bay Mall from Bay ParkWay, it seems to be days had passed. Even though it was only approximately 20 blocks, i felt like i walked for years.. My heart beat faster as i approach the mall, because i know that she would reject me... But i still decide to do it, because i don't want this problem to linger for any longer...
I told her about my feelings, told her about how i like her and i wish that she would like me the same. While she was about to reply, her mom came back, which disturb what i wanted to heard. I thought i was safe for the moment, i told her that forget what i was trying to say, because i rather have the friendship than the relationship. Then my friend, Adam, a friend that came with me, called me and told me that she already accepted Clement as her boyfriend. On my way back home, my heart felt like as if it was stabbed millions of times. I was hoping for a NO, not something so shocking that she would accept Clement as her boyfriend...
At home, i signed on AIM, the first thing she asked me was "Are we still friends?" I was really mad at the fact that she asked me that, without concerning what I've gone through, liking this "cool buddy" of mine. Me and Mel (short name) had a huge argument, and i was so glad that i actually hold myself from raging on her so much, which could cause damage to her...
We also argued about things such as how much I've hinted to her, how much I felt about her, and how much i really did for her. Yet i know she wouldn't really understand, but i would forgive her. Since that she is in the middle between 2 guys trying to confess to her anyways. I just felt like i would be the sacrifice of the 2, even though i have sacrifice so many things already...
While we were arguing, i also told my friends about Clement is going out with Melody. All my friends were shocked that who would like Clement, and saying that I'm better than Clement in any ways. What i actually did, was to tell my friends to be quiet, because what Mel likes... i would totally just let her, I don't want to pressure her, nor wanted to argue with her... i feel guilty in doing so...
My friends told me things about how Clement wasn't liked by any Techies (people that goes to Brooklyn Technical High School), or Clement is a attention freak, or some other things. I also personally know that he has 80 something average, not being a good friend, and others that i don't want to mention. It is not that i disagree them two going together, but i fear who can give her what she needed when Clement can't even support himself.
Anyways, I really am sorry that i was mad at Mel, for what she did wasn't her fault, but picking the guy that she likes. So this is how i started my 1st day without her...
我希望都不用了...有—點兒想...哭...
I don't even need to wish now... I somehow wanted to.. cry..
I'm only 16... for one day... and i choose to destroy one of my best friendship ever had. Most of the time, I've wondered if I should ask her out or not. The her i referred to is Melody, I don't know how to describe her... She's 14 and turning 15 by the end of this year, one year younger than me. What i think of her was cute and funny when i first saw her. Even though she's short, i didn't mind because that's not what i judge her.
Anyways, she have been my "cool buddy" for this summer, I've always tried to stay neutral with her... wanting to wait until this other guy, Clement, would stop going for her, since she told me that she didn't like this guy at all... But things are not so well as I thought it would be. Clement had been into her everyday, next to her, talking to her, even took away my own time talking to her... The only time i had that is alone with her is at night, where we can only chat on AIM.
Days after days, i feel out of reach from her, i feel lonely and sad... I do not know what to do. I have been debating with myself whether or not i should told her my feelings, like really... I fear that Clement would be in the way, i fear that Melody might not feel the same, i fear that the friendship i created for so long would be gone within 1 minute, which is whenever i will confess to her... I always think that staying stable and talking to her would be the way to go, but things are not as good as i thought it would be. These days, Clement been near her more than the previous days... I've also been wondering when i will lose her, because my friends had been telling me rumors that they had already been together for weeks..
Today i decided not to chicken out, because my plan for yesterday... which I was suppose to tell her about my feelings during the Truth Or Dare game i had with my friends, but she wasn't there because I kind of scared her away by yelling at her. This morning i said sorry, but noticing something happened. After work, i decided to meet her personally, telling her what I truly fell.
At the time i walked to Caesar Bay Mall from Bay ParkWay, it seems to be days had passed. Even though it was only approximately 20 blocks, i felt like i walked for years.. My heart beat faster as i approach the mall, because i know that she would reject me... But i still decide to do it, because i don't want this problem to linger for any longer...
I told her about my feelings, told her about how i like her and i wish that she would like me the same. While she was about to reply, her mom came back, which disturb what i wanted to heard. I thought i was safe for the moment, i told her that forget what i was trying to say, because i rather have the friendship than the relationship. Then my friend, Adam, a friend that came with me, called me and told me that she already accepted Clement as her boyfriend. On my way back home, my heart felt like as if it was stabbed millions of times. I was hoping for a NO, not something so shocking that she would accept Clement as her boyfriend...
At home, i signed on AIM, the first thing she asked me was "Are we still friends?" I was really mad at the fact that she asked me that, without concerning what I've gone through, liking this "cool buddy" of mine. Me and Mel (short name) had a huge argument, and i was so glad that i actually hold myself from raging on her so much, which could cause damage to her...
We also argued about things such as how much I've hinted to her, how much I felt about her, and how much i really did for her. Yet i know she wouldn't really understand, but i would forgive her. Since that she is in the middle between 2 guys trying to confess to her anyways. I just felt like i would be the sacrifice of the 2, even though i have sacrifice so many things already...
While we were arguing, i also told my friends about Clement is going out with Melody. All my friends were shocked that who would like Clement, and saying that I'm better than Clement in any ways. What i actually did, was to tell my friends to be quiet, because what Mel likes... i would totally just let her, I don't want to pressure her, nor wanted to argue with her... i feel guilty in doing so...
My friends told me things about how Clement wasn't liked by any Techies (people that goes to Brooklyn Technical High School), or Clement is a attention freak, or some other things. I also personally know that he has 80 something average, not being a good friend, and others that i don't want to mention. It is not that i disagree them two going together, but i fear who can give her what she needed when Clement can't even support himself.
Anyways, I really am sorry that i was mad at Mel, for what she did wasn't her fault, but picking the guy that she likes. So this is how i started my 1st day without her...
我希望都不用了...有—點兒想...哭...
I don't even need to wish now... I somehow wanted to.. cry..
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