1st Day without Melody

Today, i did something i might regret for the rest of my life...

I'm only 16... for one day... and i choose to destroy one of my best friendship ever had. Most of the time, I've wondered if I should ask her out or not. The her i referred to is Melody, I don't know how to describe her... She's 14 and turning 15 by the end of this year, one year younger than me. What i think of her was cute and funny when i first saw her. Even though she's short, i didn't mind because that's not what i judge her.

Anyways, she have been my "cool buddy" for this summer, I've always tried to stay neutral with her... wanting to wait until this other guy, Clement, would stop going for her, since she told me that she didn't like this guy at all... But things are not so well as I thought it would be. Clement had been into her everyday, next to her, talking to her, even took away my own time talking to her... The only time i had that is alone with her is at night, where we can only chat on AIM.

Days after days, i feel out of reach from her, i feel lonely and sad... I do not know what to do. I have been debating with myself whether or not i should told her my feelings, like really... I fear that Clement would be in the way, i fear that Melody might not feel the same, i fear that the friendship i created for so long would be gone within 1 minute, which is whenever i will confess to her... I always think that staying stable and talking to her would be the way to go, but things are not as good as i thought it would be. These days, Clement been near her more than the previous days... I've also been wondering when i will lose her, because my friends had been telling me rumors that they had already been together for weeks..

Today i decided not to chicken out, because my plan for yesterday... which I was suppose to tell her about my feelings during the Truth Or Dare game i had with my friends, but she wasn't there because I kind of scared her away by yelling at her. This morning i said sorry, but noticing something happened. After work, i decided to meet her personally, telling her what I truly fell.

At the time i walked to Caesar Bay Mall from Bay ParkWay, it seems to be days had passed. Even though it was only approximately 20 blocks, i felt like i walked for years.. My heart beat faster as i approach the mall, because i know that she would reject me... But i still decide to do it, because i don't want this problem to linger for any longer...

I told her about my feelings, told her about how i like her and i wish that she would like me the same. While she was about to reply, her mom came back, which disturb what i wanted to heard. I thought i was safe for the moment, i told her that forget what i was trying to say, because i rather have the friendship than the relationship. Then my friend, Adam, a friend that came with me, called me and told me that she already accepted Clement as her boyfriend. On my way back home, my heart felt like as if it was stabbed millions of times. I was hoping for a NO, not something so shocking that she would accept Clement as her boyfriend...

At home, i signed on AIM, the first thing she asked me was "Are we still friends?" I was really mad at the fact that she asked me that, without concerning what I've gone through, liking this "cool buddy" of mine. Me and Mel (short name) had a huge argument, and i was so glad that i actually hold myself from raging on her so much, which could cause damage to her...

We also argued about things such as how much I've hinted to her, how much I felt about her, and how much i really did for her. Yet i know she wouldn't really understand, but i would forgive her. Since that she is in the middle between 2 guys trying to confess to her anyways. I just felt like i would be the sacrifice of the 2, even though i have sacrifice so many things already...

While we were arguing, i also told my friends about Clement is going out with Melody. All my friends were shocked that who would like Clement, and saying that I'm better than Clement in any ways. What i actually did, was to tell my friends to be quiet, because what Mel likes... i would totally just let her, I don't want to pressure her, nor wanted to argue with her... i feel guilty in doing so...

My friends told me things about how Clement wasn't liked by any Techies (people that goes to Brooklyn Technical High School), or Clement is a attention freak, or some other things. I also personally know that he has 80 something average, not being a good friend, and others that i don't want to mention. It is not that i disagree them two going together, but i fear who can give her what she needed when Clement can't even support himself.

Anyways, I really am sorry that i was mad at Mel, for what she did wasn't her fault, but picking the guy that she likes. So this is how i started my 1st day without her...

我希望都不用了...有—點兒想...哭...
I don't even need to wish now... I somehow wanted to.. cry..