4th Day without Melody

... It's been the 4th day, i just realized... Time has been passing so slow, isn't it? ...
It felt like as if 3 years had passed and my pain still didnt disappear ><...

Today, really ... learn a little, but yet so much so blog.... But then i think about..."If i blog about what i just realized today, i wouldn't be able to blog as much tomorrow." Then i realized I'm so stupid because i should blog whenever i have the feelings to... and as much as i remember before i forget... Let's hope today be a long one...

Yesterday... I was seriously.. dull... but yea... still have to face life... Somehow.. i remember her words, "Icecream makes me happy." That sentence really got into me, i deicded to try my icecream.... For the first time, instead of eating it, I'm actually thinking about enjoying it. When i ate my icecream, really... I kind of had  a flashback.. about the times that i enjoyed myself with her. The time that i bought icecream for her, the time i would go in when shes sad, the time that i would act depress and she would come to me. Everything was so sweet and so nice, as if none of my mistakes were made... I think i really were smiling when i ate it...

Yet... When i finish my icecream... my smile really turned into a frown. I thougth of the times i argued with her, the times i hinted instead of telling her clearly, the times that I see her with Clement...  A rush of sadness just come to me, as if it is forcing me to cry. I hold my tears... going back to my room, sitting at my bed, and looking up the ceiling. I thought "Sigh, I want to get out of this problem... yet I couldn't make it." I really just want icecream forever now.... to dream about the time i had fun, just like the fantasy story of The Little Match Girl.


These days, many people been telling me things and rumors about Clement, saying he is bad and all that. Saying things like I don't deserve to lose to him and many others. Somehow, i feel even more sad when i hear those words... For love can change Clement from a "jerk" or "whore" (what my friend describes him), to someone so nice and lovable toward Mel. I feel like Clement is the one really be able to give Mel the thing she needed...

I always think that ... Before i have my girlfriend, i need to know i have the financial support, this for being a good education so i can get a future job. I also need a good eloquence skill, to entertain her and make her have fun, instead of being so silent and moody. Lastly, i also need to know how to give her my full love, to put her in front, to care about her, and to know what she needs.

After the accident, my mind changed... There is no need for money, entertainment, or even love. If Mel likes Clement, i would let her, really...  Those three elements are not required... If two loves each other, money are not required, it would just be better if there is extra. Entertainment, that's even less of a necessary, two can be dull but just that they need to love each other is enough. Lastly, i said love isn't required... Why? It is because when you truly love someone, you wouldn't care about IF HE/SHE LOVES YOU BACK. That is not even in the story when you love someone. Just like me, i really do love Mel (Let's say like, because i don't feel honored to call it love). Even if she doesn't like me, i would really let her. Because what she loves would give her happiness, which i would be happy if she found her love...

Now put that issue aside... I don't know what to say when i see her on Wednesday, or talk to her on Tuesday night. I got her mad, because of my sudden rage... I even cursed at her... telling her to shut up.. I really feel like a "dick" right now... My friend, told me that she did the same thing when my God Bro pick some other girl over her. She said it is alright because I didn't meant it...  Now i fully understand how she felt... How she doesn't really want it, but had to adopt it... There is something i can't say because of people that are reading this blog... But yeah.. i understand you... really... I hope me and you will get out of the mess as soon as possible tho...

Hmm.. What else to say.. Oh... Yea... Crying sure is one way out.. But cannot cry is the way to realized that you really miss someone. I tried crying to release stress, yet i couldn't cry. Even if i do cry, i know for a fact that i would just miss her even more.

Other things also make me cry... Today, i went back to my Chat log... I realized that i deleted the log before .. July 28th... Which is where i had more fun... with her... than after... I think that she decided that I wouldn't be a better boyfriend to her about Aug 10th... Where she completely ignored me... Before that, we talked together.. and i saw that on Aug 3rd or so, she would even call me and talk to me on the phone... She would even let me joke about liking her and etc. Sometimes i wonder if my dad wasn't here... wouldn't bring me to all these places, Clement might not have the space to come in and talk with her. Also i wonder if Ray wouldn't leave volunteer, Raymond would also make me talk to Mel....  Those stuff really do get my emotion...

Talking about crying, I realized that i do fear... There are many things i fear and I really do fear Clement sometimes. I fear that he will take over my place as her "cool buddy", which i think he already did. I fear that if i do get Mel before, Clement would come and beat me up, that is another reason why i stopped myself from acting before... I also fear that someday his psychological words would just brain wash Mel, making her couldn't decide who is the better for her, but i assume there is no need for that... Or did he already accomplish his goal.. with psychology...

Now, beside fear... My friends been telling me to hope.. I don't know if i should hope or not. They told me to "hope for the best." Saying that Mel might realized one day that I would be better and come to me. Saying that Mel might considered Clement because i didn't went for her (which i think is true), but now since i confessed, she might leave him and come to me (which i think is impossible). I know Mel, she is not the type of person that would leave someone... in sadness... I also wouldn't want her to see this blog.. unless one of you just spread it... For sure, i know she would be really depressed when she see this blog... Now all i can do is hope...

That's basically what i realized today..... Well i think i don't have anything more than that to think of tomorrow... Since tomorrow is also my last blog before she comes back.. When she comes back on Wednesday, i will see what would happen.... Would I still go for her? Would i still be friends with her? Would Clement be her boyfriend still? Anything might happen.. Like my God Bro said.. "let's hope for the best..." That really sound desperate... but yea... nothing to do but to feel desperate..

我希望妳可以用我為你所做的一切原諒我。
I wish you can use whatever i did for you to forgive me...